I’m here to say that you’re not failing at motherhood

habits, Help, mindset shift, motivation

Do you feel like society is constantly telling you what you should be doing? And if you don’t listen, you’re made to feel like you’re failing at motherhood?

A parenting book made me cry when my now teen was 2 weeks old. I was exhausted and wondering if I’d ever sleep again. So I turned to a book on sleep for babies that someone had gifted us. According to this book, I was to start this this sleep program on day one. Here we were many days later, and I was already behind. I felt so guilty. I was so tired, I couldn’t see how wrong and unhelpful this advice was and that I hadn’t already messed her up. She would eventually learn to sleep through the night. And I would find the parenting books that did support me on my journey.

I share this story because society loves to tell moms we’re never doing enough for our kids or ourselves. Our kids need to be in multiple enrichment programs. Keep an eye on their screen time and make sure they have plenty of playdates. They need healthy, home-cooked meals on the table every night.

We should also be doing plenty of self-care, exercise, and working full-time at a paid job. And our houses should be clean and beautiful, as though no one actually lives there.

Essentially, no matter what we do, it’s never enough.

And I’m here to tell you this is all BS. Productivity is for white men with a wife at home. There is no magic mom hack that will make you more productive, keep your house clean, or ensure your kids grow up to be successful (however you want to define that!). You cannot buy the perfect paper planner or download the perfect app to keep you organized. And make sure your’e following a whatever specific parenting method you come across.

Yes, these things can be helpful and some hacks might be useful now and then. And you can find the parenting books that resonate with you, or parts of books that work for you.

But in the long term, knowing your values, holding boundaries, and sharing the mental load with your partner will be more helpful than any magic productivity hack out there. Routines and systems can also be helpful. But these will all change over time your kids grow and your seasons of life change.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job title, the size of our house and the make of our car. So we feel that our kids need to be in multiple activities, starting at a young age, on the off chance that they’ll get into a “good” school. The good school, of course, leads to a “good” job so they can afford that big house and fancy car.

This is all BS! Yes, if your kids enjoy their activities, that’s great. And do you enjoy being this busy? If yes, then keep at it!

This is for those moms who aren’t sure if they’re happy about it but feel obligated to do all the things society tells us we need to in order to be a good mom. For moms who want to feel on top of everything, not constantly behind.

failing at motherhood

I recently spoke with a mom who’s kids Fall and Winter sport seasons overlapped for several weeks. Meaning the kids often had 2 practices every day after school. And they were exhausted. The only person who really wanted this was Dad. Because he was convinced it would lead to a college scholarship down the road. In all likelihood, those kids were going to be burnt out before they even got to college.

​This is why I do the work I do. Because you are NOT failing. Society is rigged.

Maybe you’re tired of feeling resentful. Tired of feeling that strain in your relationship with your partner or your kids. You’re exhausted all the time. Maybe it’s even showing up through headaches, anxiety, and stomachaches.

And you’re not sure if asking for help is ok. Or if there is help. Maybe this is what motherhood just is.

I’m here to help you create tools that work for you, in your current season of life. And to learn how to evaluate what’s working and what’s not – not listening to what society is telling you to do.

Yes, mom life is hard, but you don’t have to feel like you’re drowning.

So, you have two options: keep drowning or grab a life raft. Let me be that life raft

Tired of your morning routine being a daily scramble?

motivation, routines, time management

Let’s talk about your morning routine. Is yours working for you?

You’re constantly reminding everyone what they need to do. No one is paying attention. You left your coffee in the microwave, again.

And you run out the door, already exhausted, frustrated, and drained?

​It doesn’t have to be this way!

You can have mornings that involve kitchen dance parties, kid snuggles, maybe even a few minutes of peace to drink your cup of coffee (or tea) by yourself!

It takes a little bit of planning and leaving time for someone to spill their cup of milk all over the dining table.

morning routine

👉What needs to happen to get everyone out the door? List all the tasks that need to happen from getting dressed, showering, eating breakfast, packing backpacks, etc.

👉Who needs to do these tasks? Identify who is doing each task. Are your kids old enough to follow a checklist and brush their teeth, and get themselves dressed? Or do they need a bit more supervision?

👉How long do these tasks take? Estimate how long each task takes. If you’re not sure, spend the next 2 weeks timing the tasks (ask me how!). Then you have an idea of how long it takes to get out the door in the morning!

And now you’re starting your day feeling in control and ready to take on whatever else the day brings! 🎉

The new school year is almost here (or may be here, already!) Let’s get your morning routine working for you and your family.​

Because you deserve to drink a cup of coffee while it’s still hot. Start here.

Let’s talk about why your evening routine is so important

Fair Play, habits, routines

How is your evening routine working for you?

My kids start school in 2 weeks. We’re starting to get back into our routines after letting things get a little lazy around here (except bedtime. I hold tight to bedtimes when I can). I’m not a night owl and believe in sleep, so unless our kids are having a sleepover or movie night with friends, we stick to our bedtime routine.

So today I want to talk about evening routines. What does yours look like and is it working for you? Think about your evening routine during the Fall semester of school as you keep reading.

Do you fall into bed after an evening of running from one activity to another, frantically figuring out what’s for dinner, wrestling kids into the bath, cleaning the kitchen, and wondering what tornado just raced through your living room?

Think about where you can streamline tasks and how everyone can work together to make this happen. Remember, it’s not all on you!

Make a list of everything that needs to happen each night.

  • What can you do at night to make the mornings run smoother?
    • Run the dishwasher?
    • Get a load of laundry in the dryer?
    • Make lunches?
    • Pack bags?
    • Pick out clothes for the next day?

Get everyone involved. My kids prep their lunches at night. One helps clean up dinner while the other feeds the cats (and they trade each day).

evening routine

Prep as much as possible on the weekends. Especially if your weeks are hectic with sports and other afterschool activities.

Tag team with your partner. Prioritize activities and tasks.

If your evenings feel chaotic, think about everything that’s going on. Are there activities that you can say no to? Can you cut back on activities anywhere?

And, where possible, sit and be present with your kids. Giving them even 5 minutes of focused attention early in the evening helps them feel connected to you. And it just might make the evening run a bit smoother!

If you want to figure out how to make your routines easier, let’s talk.

Is the new school year making you feel like the perfect planner will solve everything?

digital organizing, mindset shift, motivation

The school year is almost here. Are you feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks and activities coming your way? Keep reading to learn why the perfect planner won’t help!

Chauffeur, chef, medic, entertainer, maid, therapist, tutor, money manager, cruise director.

These are just some of the many different roles of being a parent.

Not to mention working at a paying job or running your own business.

Or self-care, date night, or time with friends.

It feels like there is never enough time in the day to get it all done.

Maybe you’ve thought if you could just find the perfect planner or app.

Schedule every minute of your day.

perfect planner

Then you would have more control over your days and get more done!

What if I told you that the perfect planner won’t help you get it all done?

Simply getting everything documented and scheduled is not going to make your days run smoothly.

The secret to getting everything done is understanding your values and goals for yourself, your career, and your family.

You can empty the drawer full of planners that you tried and didn’t like. You can delete the apps on your phone that are taking up space and not being used. Your kids can color all over the dry-erase calendar that you thought was the answer, but haven’t updated in 6 months.

No more spending hours online researching the best planner out there

When you have done the work to know that what’s on your to-do list belongs there, it’s easier to focus on what needs to happen daily. Not all the tasks (because you aren’t responsible for all the tasks!).

And over time, your days start to feel a bit more expansive. And you start to feel a bit more in control.

You don’t need the perfect planner or perfect app to keep yourself organized. They are helpful, but they’re tools.

What you need is fewer things on that list in the first place.

This might sound both simple and daunting at the same time. You’re thinking, lady, I don’t have time to figure this out. I need to get my kids registered for school, buy school supplies, and find new soccer cleats. Plus, we’ve already committed to all our activities this Fall. I can’t pull them now just to give ourselves more time!

And you’re right. You want to show up for commitments you’ve already made. And getting ready for the school year is a lot.

Yet, when you start connecting what you say yes to with your goals or values, you start saying no to more things. And over time, this leads to your days feeling a bit less hectic.

Maybe you’re committed for this Fall. But winter and spring don’t have to feel so hectic.

​So let’s get started.

​

Why Should I Be The One Asking For Something to Change?

Fair Play, Help, mindset shift, motivation

Yes, asking for something to change feels hard. Because it feels like your partner should see everything that needs to be done around the house, just like you.

You’re standing in the kitchen thinking about how annoyed you are with the dishes 🍽️, and they swoop in to help?

He sees all your hard work around the house and with the kids 🏠👶.

And he steps up and does a bunch of tasks without even asking ✅.

He figures out what’s for dinner 🍝.

He does an entire load of laundry from beginning to end 🧺. You even find socks magically put away where they belong! 🧦✨

Why is it on you to ask for something to change? 🤔 Why can’t your partner just figure it out? You did! 💪

Yes, it doesn’t feel fair that you need to be the one asking for change. It’d be nice if your partner could read your mind 🌀.

However, that likely isn’t your current reality!

First, think of the costs to you not changing anything 🛑.

There’s a cost to your relationship 💔. As you grow more exhausted and resentful, you start to feel alone and isolated in your partnership.

I’m guessing that you’d rather have a loving, supportive partnership ❤️🤝. The two of you against the world 🌎. Not the two of you battling it out over dishes 🍽️⚔️.

There’s the loss of your own identity 🌀. You’ve forgotten who you are outside of being a parent and partner.

You want to do something besides work, take care of the kids, and manage the household 🏠. You want to remember what makes you uniquely you 🌟.

There’s also the cost to your mental and physical health 🧘‍♀️. When you are exhausted and stressed out, there’s no bandwidth for you to take care of yourself. You want time to pursue your own hobbies and passions 🎨, or even just go to the bathroom in peace and quiet 🚪🛁.

And you are showing your kids that it’s ok for a mom to wear herself out doing everything for the family 😔. To be the one sacrificing her own goals for the sake of her kids.

I’m guessing this is not what you want ❌. You want something better for yourself and your family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦. Where you are not exhausted, resentful, and stressed out every day 😩.

Those are all big reasons to start the conversation toward change 💬.

By starting a conversation now 🗣️, and taking the first step 🚶‍♀️, you are breaking this pattern.

When you and your partner are working together 🤝, everyone is happier 😊.

And the household runs smoother 🚀.

I know this feels like a big undertaking. But in reality, it can start with a small change 🔄.

One shift that has a big impact 🌟.

This is the work I do with my clients. It’s more than delegating a task or managing our to-do lists better to get more done.

It’s creating sustainable change ⚖️ and getting everyone on the same team 👫.

I can help you make this happen. This is possible in your life 💖.

Even if you’re unsure if this is the right next step, let’s chat! Schedule a call with me today and let’s get started!

​

Want to Tidy Your Kids’ Room While They’re At Camp? Read This First

Fair Play, habits, Help, mindset shift, time management

Feeling the urge to tidy your kids’ room while they’re gone? Thinking it’ll be easier because they’re not around? Read this first!

Imagine going away for the weekend and coming home to a clean and tidy house.

tidy your kids' room

​Yes, it might feel great to walk into a decluttered and clean home.
​
Now, imagine walking into that tidy home and finding things missing. Things you treasured or planned to do something with. That sweatshirt with allt he holes that you love to wear when you need some comfort. That journal that was half-filled out and you figured some day you’d get back to journaling. Plus, it had stuff documented that you wanted to remember.
​
And they’re gone. Because someone decided they were trash.
​
It doesn’t feel good, does it?
​
So what does this situation have to do with productivity? So much!
​
Because moms take it upon themselves to declutter and clean the house. We add it to our to-do list because who else will do it if we don’t?
​
In reality, we need to be working with those who also live there, to declutter and clean the house. It adds more to your plate if you take on all the tidying and cleaning by yourself.
​
When you work together with your kids to clean their room, they’re learning valuable skills. And you never know what they treasure! I’m always surprised by what my kids want to keep versus what they’re willing to get rid of.
​
My 12-year-old is pretty good at getting rid of things. My 10-year-old still needs support, but is getting better at it. They’re both learning the skills of going through a stack of papers and identifying what they want to keep and what they don’t. Same for their stuffed animals and all their crafts that they shoved in a drawer after last year’s summer camps!
​
If you really want to get in there and clean, here’s a suggestion. Sort everything into bins or baskets. Clean around those baskets.
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Then, when your kids are home, go through the bins, one at a time, together.

Take some time to work on these skills together. Don’t do it for them because it feels easier.

Want to learn how to implement this in your life? Schedule a Get On Track Call with me!

Running in multiple directions? Try a family meeting

Fair Play, habits, Help, mindset shift, motivation

If you’re tired of keeping track of where your family needs to be every day, try a family meeting!

Remember, it’s not all on you to keep things running smoothly.

Holding regular family meetings keeps everyone on the same page. There are so many things you can talk about.

  • Weekly activities (sports, volunteer activities, etc.)
  • Upcoming events (travel plans, holidays, birthdays)
  • Household tasks (and who does what, when!)
  • What’s going well / what’s not going well within the family

Each week, have a different family member run the meeting and take notes. Use a stuffed animal or a specific item to indicate whose turn it is to talk.

After a few weeks, your household just might start feeling a little more in control!

These meetings don’t have to last long. In our house, we hold them over dinner, often on Sunday evenings. And my kids’ attention span lasts maybe 10 minutes, if we’re lucky.

You could hold them every Friday afternoon and then have a game night or pizza/movie night. Do what works best for you and your family!

They key is to talk, together, about what it takes to run a family!

If you want to learn more about using family meetings in your house, schedule a Get On Track call with me! We can talk about how to get started. Or, learn how to work with me!

Is the Daily Grind Wearing You Down? You’re Not Alone!

Fair Play, habits, Help, mindset shift, motivation

The daily grind of running a household is exhausting!

This is especially true when there’s so much coming at us and we’re worried about our kids’ future and the state of this country.

There are so many days when I move from one task to another. And then repeat.

Dishes. 🍽️

Work tasks. 👩‍💻

daily grind

Laundry. 🧺

Remind the kids to bathe. Argue with the kids because they don’t want to bathe. 🛀

More dishes. 🍽️

Work meetings. 👩‍💻

Snacks. Snacks. Snacks. 🥨

But it’s not all on me.

​And no magic mom hack is going to fix it. We can’t do it all by ourselves. We need to share the load with others in our household.

​My husband walks one kid to school every morning. 🚸

He cooks most of our dinners. 🥙

He does plenty of dishes. 🍽️

If you’re tired of doing it all, sign up for my Share The Load calls. 🗓️ 📞

You do not need to be the only one in charge of the daily grind!

Remember, it’s not all on you!

Tired of arguing with your husband about the dishes?

Fair Play, mindset shift, motivation

It’s time to stop playing Dishwasher Tetris and arguing with your husband.

I have a friend who constantly argued with his wife about loading the dishwasher. She consistently reloaded it after he had filled it. 

He said he was going to stop loading the dishwasher if she kept redoing what he did. 

Why should he spend the effort if someone was going to redo it?

arguing with your husband

Yes, it’s hard when you prefer something to be done a certain way. It might mean that you won’t let others clean the kitchen because you prefer it done in a specific manner. 

But what is that doing to your mental and physical health? 

And what happens if it’s done differently? If it’s done and you get a break from it, I’d call that a win! 

Yes, releasing that control is hard. I get it. 

It’s also totally worth finding a way, even just a little, to relinquish some of that control. 

How amazing would it be to sit on your back porch with a glass of wine or cup of tea while someone else cleans the kitchen? 

Or maybe you’re helping your son do his homework while your partner helps your daughter make her lunch. And you trust that your husband and daughter know what they’re doing!

And you’re not the one reminding everyone what needs to happen! 

Imagine how that would feel! 

Society has conditioned women since we were young that we need to be in charge of everything and that how things are done is important.

So, let’s change that with a conversation about the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC).

This conversation creates agreed-upon values about a task and is a great way to discuss what a completed task looks like. It is not the person with higher standards getting their way or someone demanding a person lower their standards.

It’s finding common ground that you both agree upon. If you cannot agree to the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC), ask yourselves:

  1. Would a reasonable person (in this case, your partner, spouse, babysitter, caregivers, parents, and in-laws) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done?
  2. What is the community standard, and do we want to adopt this standard within our own home?
  3. What’s the harm in doing, or not doing, it this way?
  4. What is our “why”? 

You might both need to give a little to meet at a place where you both agree. 

Remember, your end goal here is to have less on your plate. To share the mental load with your partner. 

I’m here to help you have this conversation with your husband. Sign up for a Share The Load call today! Your future self will thank you. 

Or, if you’re ready to start working with me, let’s see which of my programs is the best fit!

2 reasons why you might feel guilty asking your partner to do more at home

Fair Play, mindset shift, motivation

Let’s look at why you might feel guilty asking your partner to do more household and child care tasks!

Do you ever feel guilty when talking with your partner about sharing the household and childcare tasks?

Maybe you want something off your plate but feel guilty for asking him to take over.

You are tired of doing everything yet feel like you should be doing everything. You wonder why others seem to have their act together while you don’t.

I’m here to tell you that this isn’t guilt. This is societal conditioning telling you that, as a mom, you are responsible for everything at home.

feel guilty asking your partner

But it’s not all on you. And you are not a failure. Society is failing you.

Our society is set up for an “ideal worker”—where one person (usually the husband) works to support the household, and another person (usually the wife) does everything else.

But that’s not how life works anymore. In most households, both parents work. And even if one person is home full-time, that doesn’t mean that person takes on everything.

Another part of this might be how we frame guilt.

I love how Dr. Becky from Good Inside talks about guilt:

✔️ Guilt = When we act in a way that doesn’t align with our values.
❌ “Not Guilt” = When we take on someone else’s discomfort or disappointment.

I’m guessing a lot of what you feel is “Not Guilt.”

Your husband is used to the status quo. And now you’re asking him to step up more at home.

💭 Maybe he’s not happy about it.
💭 Maybe he wants to help but isn’t sure how.

Whatever he is feeling, you are not responsible for those feelings.

✅ Yes, you can communicate in a way that feels good for both of you.
✅ Yes, you can support him in stepping up at home, in a way that makes sense for your family.

But you are NOT responsible for his feelings.

This is where good boundaries come in.

I work on boundaries with my clients.

If you’re ready to stop feeling guilty about asking your husband to do more at home, let’s talk.

Sign up for my Share The Load calls today!

Ever feel like it’s easier to do everything yourself?

Fair Play, mindset shift, motivation, routines, time management

Do you hesitate to talk with your husband about redistributing household tasks, feeling like it won’t change anything? It’s easier to do everything yourself.

You’ll still have to remind him to take out the trash or make the kids’ lunches.

It’s easier to keep doing it all yourself, even though you’re exhausted and resentful.

Or, maybe you have talked about it, and things changed for a few weeks but then fell back into the old routine. You were still doing all the invisible work of remembering when it was time to take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, or wash the towels.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Change is hard, and the status quo has worked for your partner for a long time.

And it’s frustrating to feel like nothing is going to change.

Or that changing things is just one more thing for you to take on.

But if your husband can hold a job, he can take out the trash without reminders.

Yes, this is a process, and sometimes he’ll forget.

This is where a regular check-in helps.

Making sure you’re on the same page as you create new routines and habits is important. Talking through what’s working and what’s not.

It can be a quick check-in over coffee every morning before shuffling the kids to school.

Or weekly dinner dates where you have a long list of things to cover.

Or somewhere in between!

Check-ins are a big part of communicating with your partner, and it’s something we cover in my Share the Load calls.

When to have them, what to talk about, and what NOT to do between check-ins.

It might feel like it’s easier to do everything yourself. But I promise it’s not!

If you’re feeling like nothing is going to change with your partner and are hesitant to have this conversation, let’s talk.

Want to talk with your husband about sharing the load?

Fair Play, mindset shift, motivation

Let’s talk about sharing the load with your husband. Because you’re already communicating about it, let’s do it right!

Me: I know you don’t mean this. But when the dishwasher needs to be emptied and dirty dishes sit on the counter all day, I feel like you’re waiting for me to deal with it.

Husband: No. I’m not thinking about dishes at all. I know one of us will deal with them closer to dinner time. I’m not expecting you to deal with it.

Me: That’s what I thought. It just feels like they’re talking to me. Telling me it’s my responsibility to take care of them, every time I walk through the kitchen.

I used to be resentful about the dishes. I felt like my husband expected me to deal with them. 

I’d walk into the kitchen and see the mess and I felt like the dishes were calling to me. 

Because my job was more flexible, I should have done more household tasks, including cleaning the dishwasher. 

sharing the load

Eventually, I talked with my husband about it. I told him that I felt like the dishes were my responsibility and that I was becoming resentful of having to keep up with them.

He told me he didn’t expect me to do them. He figured one of us would eventually get to them, and he wasn’t really thinking about them at all. 

Yet the problem with expecting someone to eventually get to them doesn’t solve the problem. There’s no clarity and I would still feel responsible. 

So we came up with a plan. Sunday to Saturday, one of us would be in charge of emptying and loading the dishwasher and hand-washing items to be hand-washed. The person also ensured the kitchen was clean enough at night that whoever made breakfast didn’t have to clean the kitchen first. 

Then, we checked in with each other every few weeks to see how it was going. Over time we’ve added on other tasks, like emptying the trash and recycling. 

Maybe this sharing the load sounds like a pipe dream to you. Every time you bring up sharing household tasks, your husband gets defensive.

He shuts down. He claims he’s already doing more than his dad did, so why isn’t it ever enough? Or he is doing plenty of execution tasks but not much of the mental load behind the tasks. 

Maybe things change for a few weeks and then revert to the way it was. 

Or maybe nothing changes. 

This is incredibly frustrating and you have every right to be resentful and angry about it. 

And I want to offer a little hope – how you work together as partners can change. 

Shifting this dynamic is possible. I also have something that might help. 

Because sharing the load isn’t just a fantasy. You can make it a reality. 

Sign up today for my Share The Load calls. It’s two calls where we talk about one task you’d like to share or get off your plate. 

On the first call, we’ll talk about how to approach the conversation and clarify the completion of the task. 

The second call will include how to check in with each other and we’ll discuss any sticky points that came up after the initial conversation. 

You’re already communicating with your partner. Why not do it right? 

It’s time for you to hate the dishes, not each other.

Moms, you are not failing. Society is failing you, and we deserve better.

Fair Play, habits, Help, mindset shift, motivation

This post is me explaining why I do the work I do. Because society is failing moms, and we deserve better.

A parenting book made me cry when my now tween was 2 weeks old. I was exhausted and wondering if I’d ever sleep again. So I turned to a book on sleep for babies that someone had gifted us. According to this book, I was to start this this sleep program on day one. Here we were many days later, and I was already behind. I felt so guilty. I was so tired, I couldn’t see how wrong and unhelpful this advice was and that I hadn’t already messed her up. She would eventually learn to sleep through the night. And I would find the parenting books that did support me on my journey. 

I share this story because society loves to tell moms we’re never doing enough for our kids or ourselves. Our kids need to be in multiple enrichment programs. Keep an eye on their screen time and make sure they have plenty of playdates. They need healthy, home-cooked meals on the table every night. 

We should also be doing plenty of self-care, exercise, and working full-time at a paid job. And our houses should be clean and beautiful, as though no one actually lives there. 

Essentially, no matter what we do, it’s never enough. 

And I’m here to tell you this is all BS. This is wh#$e sup#%macy keeping us in our place. There is no magic mom hack that will make you more productive, keep your house clean, or ensure your kids grow up to be successful (however you want to define that!). You cannot buy the perfect paper planner or download the perfect app to keep you organized. 

Yes, these things can be helpful and some hacks might be useful now and then. And you need to find the parenting books that resonate with you. 

But in the long term, knowing your values, holding boundaries, and sharing the mental load with your partner will be more helpful than any magic productivity hack out there. 

There’s simply too much to do for one person to keep up with. Also, it’s not all on you. Your partner lives with you and is capable of contributing to the household. (So are your kids)

Society is failing moms

Moms have been conditioned to believe that we’re naturally better at caretaking, so we should just do all the household and childcare tasks. Yes, for some women, it might feel incredibly natural. But most of us are simply “better” at it because we’ve had more practice. Because we grew up believing this is what women do. And it feels easier to do it ourselves then to let our partners figure it out. Or have a conversation about sharing the load with them.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job title, the size of our house and the make of our car. So we feel that our kids need to be in multiple activities, starting at a young age, on the off chance that they’ll get into a “good” school. The good school, of course, leads to a “good” job so they can afford that big house and fancy car. 

This is all BS! Yes, if your kids enjoy their activities, that’s great. And do you enjoy being this busy? If yes, then keep at it! 

This is for those moms who aren’t sure if they’re happy about it but feel obligated to keep their kids busy. I recently spoke with a mom who’s kids Fall and Winter sport seasons overlapped for several weeks. Meaning the kids often had 2 practices every day after school. And they were exhausted. The only person who really wanted this was Dad. Because he was convinced it would lead to a college scholarship down the road. In all likelihood, those kids were going to be burnt out before they even got to college. 

We also buy into this for all the household tasks. Of course your standards are higher than your husbands. You are the one who will be judged for a cluttered or dirty house. For the type of birthday party you throw for your kids. For the holiday magic. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight back against this (join me!). 

So it’s easier for you do it all. Because there’s no way your husband knows how to properly load the dishwasher or what toothpaste to buy for your 5 year old. 

I’m here to tell you if your husband can keep his job, he can load the dishwasher. 

This is why I do the work I do. Because you are not failing. Society is failing you. 

I remember taking a class a few years ago that talked about wh3$te sup$#macy and the four I’s. It started as an Ideology, became baked into our Institutions. It then became a part of how we engage with each other (Interpersonal). And finally, it became Internalized and exists in all of us.  

For me, this means change starts at home. It’s digging into the societal conditioning we’ve all had, men and women. It’s changing the way we share the load with our partner. As we create equity in our household and relationships, we can start to fight for it in society. Through paid care leave, universal health care, affordable and accessible child care, better funded public education and so much more! 

But if we’re too exhausted from everything we have to do around the house (which is where society wants to keep us) than we can’t fight for bigger changes. 

And right now, our communities need us to show up. For ourselves and each other. 

If you’re still reading this, please understand that I’m not asking you to overhaul your life over night. 

I’m asking you to start evaluating what you are saying yes to in your life. Start asking if you want to be this busy or if you’re doing it because you feel that’s what good moms do. 

I question everything. Not because I want everyone else to stop doing it. But because I want us to understand why we do it. 

One way to start is by defining your values. Or identifying what you want life to feel like in this season. Then make sure that everything on your to-do list fits within those values. This can include wanting to teach your kids how to take care of a household in a non-gendered way. And it might start by learning how to communicate with your husband about sharing the load. 

As I write this, the world is literally burning and it feels like society is crumbling around us. Humanity is struggling. So how can we even be talking about who is going to empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. (I know, I haven’t even mentioned these tasks yet, but they’re part of this conversation). Everyone has to eat and someone should probably see if there’s laundry sitting in the washer. 

It’s hard to focus on such mundane and monotonous tasks when everything feels heavy. It seems too big for one person to fix, so let’s start small. 

I look at the work I do, helping couples implement the Fair Play Method, as my part. I’m pulling at a thread of this big mess we need to dismantle. As we all pull at our own threads, we can begin to think of ways to rebuild. Ways to create a new society that supports everyone, not just rich, white men. 

And that starts with equity in the household. If you’re ready to learn more, schedule a call with me – let’s get started. The world is waiting.

P.S. I know this is rambly and maybe doesn’t make sense. I’m sure I got parts of it wrong or didn’t define something clearly. But if you’ve read this far, something must have resonated with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Societal expectations of motherhood, the importance of equitable parenting, and how we can do better

Uncategorized

Let’s talk about the movie Nightbitch and its wonderful depiction of the societal expectations of motherhood.

I’m so glad we’re watching this, one of my friends exclaims as we sit down to watch the movie, Nightbitch, starring Amy Adams. She’d just gotten off the phone explaining something to her husband that he should have been able to figure out on his own. Somehow, with 4 moms getting together, we were also responsible for figuring out what to do with 7 kids. We were interrupted 3 times during the movie as kids kept showing up to hang out with my kids. My husband was looking forward to a quiet night watching a movie with our kids and ended up watching 5 kids play instead! 

Have you seen the movie? If you are a mother, I highly recommend you make time to watch it. Find some girlfriends or see if your partner is brave enough to watch it with you. I think dads could get a lot out of this too and it might make for some interesting conversations! 

Yes, I am going to talk about a few scenes here, but I don’t think I’m spoiling too much of it! So feel free to keep reading even if you haven’t seen the movie. 

Nightbitch is a very real and honest look at motherhood. There were so many scenes I loved. So many moments where I felt seen and understood. 

Let’s start with the opening scene. 

Side note: The main characters are named Mother, Father, and Baby. I love this! 

Mother is at the grocery store with Baby. She runs into the person who took over her job when she left to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. 

The woman asked Mother how much she just loves being home with him all the time, how wonderful it must be. And Mother goes into this monologue in her head: 

“It’s complicated. I would love to feel content, but instead, I feel like I am stuck inside a prison of my own creation, where I torment myself until I am left binge-eating Fig Newtons at midnight to keep from crying. I feel like societal norms, gendered expectations, and plain old biology have forced me to become this person I  don’t recognize.  And I am angry all the time. I would one day like to direct my own artwork toward a critique of these modern-day systems that articulate all this, but my brain doesn’t function as it did before the baby, and I am dumb now. I am deeply afraid I will never be smart or happy or thin ever again.”

Mother, Nightbitch

In reality, she says how much she loves it, with a smile on her face. 

Why do we feel like we can’t talk about how hard motherhood is? We have to pretend it’s not hard, monotonous, and nothing like we thought it would be. And there’s nothing we can do about it? We’re stuck. 

Like this is just the way it is! 

Our partners can’t figure out how to load the dishwasher properly. Or learn how to change a diaper or get the kids out the door for school. Or remember to sign kids up for summer camp.

We’ll never sleep again. Or feel like we can have a normal conversation about something besides our kids. 

None of this is true, by the way. Society has set us and our partners up to fail. It’s designed to keep moms overwhelmed and resentful AND too exhausted to do anything about it. 

It doesn’t mean that we don’t love being moms. Or that there aren’t moments that we love. 

Motherhood can be both challenging and amazing at the same time. 

And, we can change it when it’s not working for us. We can work with our partner to share the mental load. So it’s not mom doing all the behind-the-scenes work and dad taking credit for taking out the trash (after being reminded 4 times). 

Our partners can register the kids for soccer or summer camp (yes, it’s possible!). Or any of the other millions of big and little things we need to happen to keep a household functioning, 

Ok, let’s talk about another favorite scene. Mother takes Baby to the hot foods section of a grocery store for lunch. (A big premise of this movie is Mother turning in a dog. She’s becoming more in touch with her primal urges that come from being a mother). 

She and Baby start eating like dogs, full faces in the food containers. And the people around them look at them like they’re being inappropriate. Until the librarian, who we’ve met before, shows up and normalizes their behavior. They have this wonderful conversation about how when her kids were little, they would act like dogs. And you can see the look of relief on Mother’s face. 

Can we do more of this, please? Stop judging others for parenting differently. Normalizing being silly with our kids in public. They weren’t hurting anyone. 

I’ll admit, I’ve been plenty judgmental in my life, especially as a parent. I’m human. I am working on noticing when I judge others for doing something differently. We don’t know everyone’s story. And we don’t know why they’re behaving that way. We only see a little snippet of their lives. 

Society would be a much better place if we stopped judging others so harshly! Especially moms. We’re doing the best we can in an almost impossible situation – let’s have each other’s backs! 

The final scene I’ll talk about today is an argument between Mother and Father. 

Father is upset about something Mother hadn’t shared with him. And she responds with ’Well, I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at doing things by myself.”

She shares how unhappy she is. That’s she’s not ok. She’s angry about a lot of things. One is how he’s getting a sweet deal out of her being home all the time because he has someone to take care of him and Baby and the house. With no pay and no vacation days. No appreciation and all the dirty underwear.

She feels trapped. She’s found herself in a 1950’s marriage. And she’s miserable. She didn’t know what she was getting herself into and now she wants something to change. 

And he had no idea she felt this way. Because he couldn’t read her mind and took what she was saying at face value.

societal expectations of motherhood

I won’t go into more detail about this scene, but it’s my favorite in this whole movie. Because it’s so raw and honest. They’re not communicating well at all. She didn’t know she would be so unhappy and is finally realizing how miserable she is. He took her at her word that she was fine and felt confused about where all this anger was coming from. 

It’s a wonderful depiction of how we get to a place on the brink of separation or divorce before we fix things. Before we finally have an honest conversation about everything. 

This is why I do the work I do. I want to help you and your partner communicate before you’re on the brink of divorce. 

Because we all deserve better. Mothers and Fathers. And our kids. 

It’s better for both parents to find a way to create an equitable way to parent and manage the house. 

I’m here to help you learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that is honest and feels good for both of you. It is possible. And I’m here to support you. Schedule a call today!

Do You Like Things Done A Certain Way?

Fair Play, habits, mindset shift

A friend of mine regularly argued with his wife about loading the dishwasher. She was consistently reloading it after he had filled it. She likes things done a certain way.

He said he would stop loading the dishwasher if she kept redoing what he did. Why should he spend the effort if someone was going to redo it?

Yes, it’s hard when you prefer something to be done a certain way. It might mean that you won’t let others clean the kitchen because you like it done in a specific manner.

But what is that doing to your mental and physical health?

And what happens if it’s done in a different way? If it’s done and you get a break from it, I’d call that a win!

Yes, releasing that control is hard. I get it. It’s also totally worth finding a way, even just a little, to relinquish some of that control.

How amazing would it be to sit on your back porch with a glass of wine or cup of tea while someone else cleans the kitchen?

Or maybe you’re helping your son do his homework while your partner helps your daughter make her lunch.

Imagine how it would feel to not remind everyone what needs to happen!

As you start to implement the Fair Play Method in your household, you get time back in your days. When the ticker tape of tasks constantly running through your brain slows down, you have space to focus on so much more! You have time to practice the piano. Take a dance class. Or sit on the back porch reading a book!

One of the long-term results of this method is that you get time back. You make time for self-care, friendships, and even pursuing hobbies or passions.

Because you are not doing everything, all the time, by yourself.

The Minimum Standard of Care helps you let go of needing tasks completed your way.

This is a conversation around a specific task where you discuss exactly how that task is completed. It is not the person with higher standards getting their way.

It’s finding common ground that you both agree upon. If you cannot agree to the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC), ask yourselves:

  1. Would a reasonable person (in this case, your partner, spouse, babysitter, caregivers, parents, and in-laws) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done?
  2. What is the community standard, and do we want to adopt this standard within our own home?
  3. What’s the harm in doing, or not doing, it this way?
  4. What is our “why”?

You might both need to give a little to meet at a place where you both agree.

Remember, your end goal here is to have less on your plate. To share the mental load with your partner.

The other acronym to remember here is CPE. This stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution.

Because it’s not enough to have your partner only doing the execution of a task. Making dinner twice a week, even when you’re still doing all the meal planning and grocery shopping doesn’t change things.

When one person takes on meal planning, grocery shopping, and dinner making, then things start to shift.

That doesn’t mean that one person is doing that job forever and ever. Daily grind cards shouldn’t always be held by one person.

And you’re not trying to get to 50/50. It’s what feels fair in your family. Mine is going to look different.

Play this game for life. As seasons change in your life, things will shift. Your deck of cards might change. Who does what changes.

Schedule a Get On Track call with me to talk through changing this dynamic in your house.

Parenting Double Standards: Who’s Naturally Better At Taking Care of the Kids?

mindset shift, motivation

Let’s talk about parenting double standards.

Picture this. You send your kids and your partner on a walk to burn off some of that endless energy kids seem to have. Everyone is putting their shoes on to head outside when you hear a meltdown start. Your daughter is crying because she can’t find the right socks.

Do you step in to help because you know which socks she needs? Or hide out in your bedroom because you know your partner can handle it? Maybe you decide you might as well scrap your plans of taking some time for yourself because you’re not sure your partner can handle the kids for a couple of hours.

parenting double standard

I’ve had all of these thoughts go through my head.

I’ve sat in the other room, listening to my husband argue with my kids, trying to get them to do something when they don’t want to. I’ve wondered if I should step in.

I’ve also let him deal with it because he’s their parent too and I know he can handle it.

When my husband or I head out for an evening with friends, the other one is fully in charge of the kids. That means if a meltdown is happening as I head out the door, I leave because my husband is also a parent and can handle it.

I’ve had friends bail on dinner because one of their kids was having a tough time going to bed.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. If you feel your kids need you, then give them that attention. But if you’re staying because you don’t think your partner can handle it, let’s talk about that.

There is this parenting double standard in our society. When dads do something, like take their kids to the park, we see it as this hero move. Oh, look at him, spending time with his kids. He’s such a good dad.

Yet, I could guarantee you we don’t say that about moms. When we see a mom at the park, it’s not a big deal. We’ll judge her for being on her phone or not playing with her kids.

But my husband doesn’t babysit. He’s not a hero for taking the kids to the park or sitting down to play Legos with them. He’s a dad. This is what dads do.

If this doesn’t feel true for you, let’s talk. It’s possible your partner hasn’t had the chance to learn how to do this. Maybe he grew up in a household where his mom did all of the childcare and household tasks.

But remember, you and your partner are a team.

It might feel easier if you do everything yourself, but it doesn’t set anyone up for success in the long run. It’s ok if your partner does something differently. Or takes longer. It’s one less thing you don’t need to worry about.

And there might need to be some knowledge transfer here. Maybe some time is spent talking about how to complete certain tasks. Or giving your partner space to learn what it’s like to take the kids to the park for an afternoon. In a way where they get to figure out what works for them.

Everyone benefits When you are not the only one doing everything in your house.

You are less exhausted and overwhelmed. You can get off the hamster wheel.

You will have more energy, spend more quality time with your family, and feel more relaxed.

That sounds like a win-win for everyone.

So let’s start paying attention to how we approach caretaking tasks. To who is doing what around the house. Thinking about how we got there.

And start paying attention to the parenting double standards our society has. Dads are parents. Let’s start treating them as parents.

Want to talk about changing this in your household? Let’s talk.

Are You Tired Of Hosting Birthday Parties?

habits, Help, mindset shift, time management

How do you feel about hosting birthday parties? I recently spoke with someone who always threw large, elaborate birthday parties for her kids. She shared that her daughter shared she didn’t enjoy these big parties. She had never felt comfortable with them.

The mom was frustrated, mostly with herself, because she’d thought her daughter liked them. The mom didn’t enjoy throwing them herself. She’d always found them exhausting.

I share this story because I think we get so caught up in doing what society has conditioned us to do that we don’t take much time to think about what’s important to us and our families.

It just feels easier to do what our neighbors or our community are doing.

And I think we’d save ourselves so much time and stress if we took even a little bit of time to evaluate how we’re spending our time and what’s important to us.

One of the most important steps in the Fair Play Method is discussing values. As you work through the task cards, you talk about why a specific task is important and what it looks like in your life.

Some of these conversations might be quick. For example, taking out the trash probably doesn’t need to be a long conversation. You value a clean kitchen. You value not having bugs in your kitchen. So the trash needs to go out on a regular basis.

But what type of birthday parties do you host? What do specific holidays look like in your house? And do you send out holiday cards?

Those are important because they can take up a lot of time and mental load.

When my husband and I talk to our kids about what activities they want to do over the summer, it often involves ice cream and playing in the backyard with their friends. They’re not wanting big vacations and endless activities.

And yes, planning big vacations can still be a part of your summer. But it’s also possible to make plenty of time for playing in the mud.

Maybe your kid is only playing soccer because everyone else in the neighborhood is doing the same thing. But several families would love to stop. They just don’t feel like they can because it’s the only way the kids are ever together.

What if you were the family that suggested something different? How would that shift things?

I know that discussing values can feel daunting. You feel that you don’t have time. You need to get dinner on the table and find that permission slip for your daughter.

But when you’ve defined your values, it helps in decision-making. It helps you know if you want to take on a specific task or how you are going to make something happen (like birthday parties).

And it gets you and your partner on the same team. It helps both of you understand why something is or is not important to you.

When you and your partner understand what’s important to the other person, you get to start creating a life that fits that.

Because you can ask yourself if an activity or task fits with those values. And if the answer is no, can you skip that activity?

Taking the time, over several weeks, to hold this conversation saves you time in the long run.

It gets you off the hamster wheel. It gets you focused on what’s important to you and your family. And over time, it gives you time back in your days!

Are you ready? Let’s get started. ​Here is a link to a worksheet to help define your values​!

If you want to talk through defining your values, schedule a call with me.

It’s Time to Stop Being The One in Charge of Everything

habits, motivation

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were not the only one remembering to walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, or defrost the chicken for dinner? If you weren’t in charge of everything!?

Sound too good to be true? It is possible!

The Fair Play Method is here to help. It takes you out of being the household manager in your home. You don’t have to be the only person in charge of all the tasks.

The method is based on a book by Eve Rodsky. It’s one of my favorite tools for dealing with the invisible and mental load of motherhood. If you’re still reading these emails, you’ve probably read the book! You might even own the deck of cards!

This method sets you and your partner up for success in both parenting and managing the household.

It’s a way for you and your partner to work together as a team, without one person being the household manager.

Essentially, each person takes on full ownership of specific tasks.

It’s not one person telling everyone else what to do.

One person is in charge of making sure the trash is taken out each week. Or the dishes are dealt with each day.

Let me share an example.

My husband and I both work from home. My husband likes to cook. We have 2 kids. There are a lot of dishes. There are days we run the dishwasher twice a day.

My desk is right next to the kitchen so I spend a lot of time staring at dirty dishes.

And for a while, it felt like they were taunting me. Telling me it was my responsibility to deal with them.

My husband and I talked about who was responsible for the dishes. I felt like he was waiting for me to deal with them.

In reality, he wasn’t thinking about dishes. He knew that one of us would deal with them by the end of the day.

So we came up with a plan. Sunday through Saturday, one of us is entirely in charge of the dishes. Both loading and unloading the dishwasher and hand washing anything that needs to be hand-washed. The other person will help clean up a meal and wipe down counters when necessary. But one person is responsible for the dishwasher.

Our only rule is that by Sunday morning, all dishes from the previous week are clean.

Now, this might not work for you. You might need to trade more often.

Both partners agree on what a completed task looks like. The minimum standard of care guides this conversation.

Using Fair Play helps you move from being the default parent to sharing the load with your partner.

It helps you prioritize your to-do list, establish routines and habits, and spend more quality time with your family. And it helps you feel more relaxed and maybe even find that elusive sense of balance.

Now, maybe you’re thinking that you don’t have time for this. You just need to get these tasks done.

I promise that if you implement the Fair Play method in your house, you will have more time.

It gives you time to rediscover who you are outside of being a parent, partner, and professional.

You will no longer be the exhausted, resentful person you have been.

It starts with an invitation to talk with your partner. That’s all.

And I know that’s not easy. But I promise you it’s worth it.

This first conversation can simply be about how you’ve been feeling and that you’ve discovered a tool to change things. And talking with your partner about how open they are to try this tool.

Have you started this conversation with your partner? Start here if you’re struggling. Or schedule a call with me to talk through getting started!

How To Look at Your Time Like A Closet

Closets, habits, motivation, time management

Yes, I am asking you to look at your time like a closet.

When your closet is overflowing, it’s hard to find what you need. Some days you want to slam the door and walk away. Not getting dressed at all.

Just like a packed schedule makes it hard to focus on what’s next. Or deal with a glitch in the system like a sick kid, flat tire, or snow day.

When your closet is organized, you can find what you need.

look at your time

And when your calendar has white space, you can deal with the unexpected.

It’s hard to get excited for the day when the calendar is cluttered with tasks and activities that you don’t feel good about.

Or when your task list feels too long and the day too short.

When your calendar has white space, you can see what’s going on. And if the activities are (mostly) things you want to be doing, you’re a bit more motivated.

If the task list is (mostly) full of tasks that you know are moving you forward in your life, it’s easier to tackle them. Even if it is dealing with a pile of laundry or dishes.

When you take the time to clear items from your closet, you can find what you need and you’re excited to get dressed. Or, at least, it’s a bit easier to get dressed when you’re not being attacked by a pile of sweaters you no longer wear.

The same goes for your calendar. Life feels better when you fill your calendar with activities that you and your family enjoy.

When you are taking steps toward completing a big goal, whether for your business or personal life, you’re more motivated.

You are then able to end your days feeling a bit more at peace. Knowing you are making things happen. Not just spinning your wheels every day.

Yes, there are things like laundry, dishes, and cleaning toilets. These things just need to happen. But knowing that you are also learning Spanish so your family can spend some time in a Spanish-speaking country? Or you are practicing your public speaking skills for the next big presentation at work? Makes cleaning those toilets a little bit easier.

The next time you add something to your calendar, ask yourself if it fits.

If you feel like your calendar or to-do list is bursting at the seams, maybe we should chat! This is the work I do with my clients.

This is also one of the things I love about the Fair Play Method. One of the first conversations you have includes discussing what’s important to you and your family with your partner.

I know that this feels big and heavy. If defining your values feels like too much, maybe you start by thinking about what you want your kids’ childhood to look like. Pretend they’re heading off to college and you’re reminiscing about their childhood. What sticks out for you? What were the activities and moments you want to remember?

It likely isn’t how clean and organized your house is or how efficient you made it through your to-do list.

It’s the games and pizza night you have every Thursday. The afternoons spent at your neighborhood pool. It’s the movies and hot cocoa on snow days. Little moments that we overlook because we feel that we need to do everything on a grand, magical scale.

I know, this all feels impossible when you have piles of laundry that seem to get bigger and you don’t remember when you last cleaned out your pantry. Plus, work emails keep flooding your inbox and you feel like you’re never going to get caught up, let alone ahead.

This week, take 10 minutes to talk with your partner about what’s important to you and your family. If your kids are old enough, talk with them about this too. It doesn’t have to be a big, in-depth conversation. It can be asking everyone to define one thing that’s important to them. Or to talk about what they want the next 3-6 months to look and feel like. It’s ok to keep it simple.

Giving Tree: Your Time is Just as Important as Everyone Else’s.

Uncategorized, ,

Have you read Shell Silverstein’s book, The Giving Tree?

The tree continues giving to the man until there’s nothing left to give. She’s a stump, having given all herself away.

If I were to ask you how you feel when you give to your family, what words come to mind? When you are making sure everyone has the right toothpaste and clean socks. When you are taking care of all the emotional needs that come with raising children!

Do the following words resonate with you? Noble? Generous? Valuable? Purposeful? Sacrificial? Depleted? Resentful? Angry?

Have you become a giving tree in your own life? Giving to others without giving anything to yourself? And ultimately, you end up resentful that you never get to focus on your own goals because you are too busy serving your family.

Society has conditioned moms to give every ounce of themselves to their families. And to feel guilty when they want to take any time for themselves. Whether to take a nap, a long shower, or focus on their own goals.

It doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, it can’t be this way.

When you constantly give yourself to others, you become resentful and drained.

You can even end up physically ill from giving so much of yourself to others.

However, when you learn how to give yourself permission to be unavailable. To burn guilt and shame, you get to step away from mom guilt.

From martyr-mode. Into your full power as a person outside of parenting.

I know you’ve read the books, tried the methods, and feel like nothing works. You’re stuck in this Groundhog Day exhaustion, resentment, and frustration.

But, there is hope.

You become a better parent and partner when you hold boundaries in your life. When you take steps, even small ones, to reach your own goals.

When you start to value your own time, you show your kids that everyone in the family is important. Everyone deserves time to focus on their own goals and be their own person.

Everyone contributes to the household and everyone deserves their own goals and passions.

This might feel impossible to you right now. But the way that you get started is simple.

Start by scheduling time for yourself. Even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes.

This is time that your partner or someone else is in charge of the kids. Maybe you leave the house and take a 10-minute walk once a day. Maybe you take yourself out for coffee.

Maybe you drive to the nearest park and sit on a bench for 10 minutes, taking deep breaths and obsessing over how bathtime is going at home.

But create that time for yourself.

Even if you have no idea what you want to do during that time. If you’ve lost sight of your own goals.

Take 5 minutes to have a cup of tea and sit in the quiet.

Take 10 minutes to think about things you used to enjoy before life got busy with kids, household tasks, and work.

Create the time.

And hold to that time like you would a work meeting, time with your kids, or a doctor’s appointment.

Your partner can handle the kids for 5 minutes. You can leave a snack out before you leave.

Over time, you can increase this to an entire evening once a month. Maybe once a week if you want to get crazy!

We can explore how to take this to another level down the road. For today, get some time on your calendar and make it happen.

Want to talk through how to make this happen? Schedule a Get On Track call with me.