Category Archives: Fair Play

2 reasons why you might feel guilty asking your partner to do more at home

Let’s look at why you might feel guilty asking your partner to do more household and child care tasks!

Do you ever feel guilty when talking with your partner about sharing the household and childcare tasks?

Maybe you want something off your plate but feel guilty for asking him to take over.

You are tired of doing everything yet feel like you should be doing everything. You wonder why others seem to have their act together while you don’t.

I’m here to tell you that this isn’t guilt. This is societal conditioning telling you that, as a mom, you are responsible for everything at home.

feel guilty asking your partner

But it’s not all on you. And you are not a failure. Society is failing you.

Our society is set up for an “ideal worker”—where one person (usually the husband) works to support the household, and another person (usually the wife) does everything else.

But that’s not how life works anymore. In most households, both parents work. And even if one person is home full-time, that doesn’t mean that person takes on everything.

Another part of this might be how we frame guilt.

I love how Dr. Becky from Good Inside talks about guilt:

✔️ Guilt = When we act in a way that doesn’t align with our values.
❌ “Not Guilt” = When we take on someone else’s discomfort or disappointment.

I’m guessing a lot of what you feel is “Not Guilt.”

Your husband is used to the status quo. And now you’re asking him to step up more at home.

💭 Maybe he’s not happy about it.
💭 Maybe he wants to help but isn’t sure how.

Whatever he is feeling, you are not responsible for those feelings.

✅ Yes, you can communicate in a way that feels good for both of you.
✅ Yes, you can support him in stepping up at home, in a way that makes sense for your family.

But you are NOT responsible for his feelings.

This is where good boundaries come in.

I work on boundaries with my clients.

If you’re ready to stop feeling guilty about asking your husband to do more at home, let’s talk.

Sign up for my Share The Load calls today!

Ever feel like it’s easier to do everything yourself?

Do you hesitate to talk with your husband about redistributing household tasks, feeling like it won’t change anything? It’s easier to do everything yourself.

You’ll still have to remind him to take out the trash or make the kids’ lunches.

It’s easier to keep doing it all yourself, even though you’re exhausted and resentful.

Or, maybe you have talked about it, and things changed for a few weeks but then fell back into the old routine. You were still doing all the invisible work of remembering when it was time to take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, or wash the towels.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Change is hard, and the status quo has worked for your partner for a long time.

And it’s frustrating to feel like nothing is going to change.

Or that changing things is just one more thing for you to take on.

But if your husband can hold a job, he can take out the trash without reminders.

Yes, this is a process, and sometimes he’ll forget.

This is where a regular check-in helps.

Making sure you’re on the same page as you create new routines and habits is important. Talking through what’s working and what’s not.

It can be a quick check-in over coffee every morning before shuffling the kids to school.

Or weekly dinner dates where you have a long list of things to cover.

Or somewhere in between!

Check-ins are a big part of communicating with your partner, and it’s something we cover in my Share the Load calls.

When to have them, what to talk about, and what NOT to do between check-ins.

It might feel like it’s easier to do everything yourself. But I promise it’s not!

If you’re feeling like nothing is going to change with your partner and are hesitant to have this conversation, let’s talk.

Want to talk with your husband about sharing the load?

Let’s talk about sharing the load with your husband. Because you’re already communicating about it, let’s do it right!

Me: I know you don’t mean this. But when the dishwasher needs to be emptied and dirty dishes sit on the counter all day, I feel like you’re waiting for me to deal with it.

Husband: No. I’m not thinking about dishes at all. I know one of us will deal with them closer to dinner time. I’m not expecting you to deal with it.

Me: That’s what I thought. It just feels like they’re talking to me. Telling me it’s my responsibility to take care of them, every time I walk through the kitchen.

I used to be resentful about the dishes. I felt like my husband expected me to deal with them. 

I’d walk into the kitchen and see the mess and I felt like the dishes were calling to me. 

Because my job was more flexible, I should have done more household tasks, including cleaning the dishwasher. 

sharing the load

Eventually, I talked with my husband about it. I told him that I felt like the dishes were my responsibility and that I was becoming resentful of having to keep up with them.

He told me he didn’t expect me to do them. He figured one of us would eventually get to them, and he wasn’t really thinking about them at all. 

Yet the problem with expecting someone to eventually get to them doesn’t solve the problem. There’s no clarity and I would still feel responsible. 

So we came up with a plan. Sunday to Saturday, one of us would be in charge of emptying and loading the dishwasher and hand-washing items to be hand-washed. The person also ensured the kitchen was clean enough at night that whoever made breakfast didn’t have to clean the kitchen first. 

Then, we checked in with each other every few weeks to see how it was going. Over time we’ve added on other tasks, like emptying the trash and recycling. 

Maybe this sharing the load sounds like a pipe dream to you. Every time you bring up sharing household tasks, your husband gets defensive.

He shuts down. He claims he’s already doing more than his dad did, so why isn’t it ever enough? Or he is doing plenty of execution tasks but not much of the mental load behind the tasks. 

Maybe things change for a few weeks and then revert to the way it was. 

Or maybe nothing changes. 

This is incredibly frustrating and you have every right to be resentful and angry about it. 

And I want to offer a little hope – how you work together as partners can change. 

Shifting this dynamic is possible. I also have something that might help. 

Because sharing the load isn’t just a fantasy. You can make it a reality. 

Sign up today for my Share The Load calls. It’s two calls where we talk about one task you’d like to share or get off your plate. 

On the first call, we’ll talk about how to approach the conversation and clarify the completion of the task. 

The second call will include how to check in with each other and we’ll discuss any sticky points that came up after the initial conversation. 

You’re already communicating with your partner. Why not do it right? 

It’s time for you to hate the dishes, not each other.

Moms, you are not failing. Society is failing you, and we deserve better.

This post is me explaining why I do the work I do. Because society is failing moms, and we deserve better.

A parenting book made me cry when my now tween was 2 weeks old. I was exhausted and wondering if I’d ever sleep again. So I turned to a book on sleep for babies that someone had gifted us. According to this book, I was to start this this sleep program on day one. Here we were many days later, and I was already behind. I felt so guilty. I was so tired, I couldn’t see how wrong and unhelpful this advice was and that I hadn’t already messed her up. She would eventually learn to sleep through the night. And I would find the parenting books that did support me on my journey. 

I share this story because society loves to tell moms we’re never doing enough for our kids or ourselves. Our kids need to be in multiple enrichment programs. Keep an eye on their screen time and make sure they have plenty of playdates. They need healthy, home-cooked meals on the table every night. 

We should also be doing plenty of self-care, exercise, and working full-time at a paid job. And our houses should be clean and beautiful, as though no one actually lives there. 

Essentially, no matter what we do, it’s never enough. 

And I’m here to tell you this is all BS. This is wh#$e sup#%macy keeping us in our place. There is no magic mom hack that will make you more productive, keep your house clean, or ensure your kids grow up to be successful (however you want to define that!). You cannot buy the perfect paper planner or download the perfect app to keep you organized. 

Yes, these things can be helpful and some hacks might be useful now and then. And you need to find the parenting books that resonate with you. 

But in the long term, knowing your values, holding boundaries, and sharing the mental load with your partner will be more helpful than any magic productivity hack out there. 

There’s simply too much to do for one person to keep up with. Also, it’s not all on you. Your partner lives with you and is capable of contributing to the household. (So are your kids)

Society is failing moms

Moms have been conditioned to believe that we’re naturally better at caretaking, so we should just do all the household and childcare tasks. Yes, for some women, it might feel incredibly natural. But most of us are simply “better” at it because we’ve had more practice. Because we grew up believing this is what women do. And it feels easier to do it ourselves then to let our partners figure it out. Or have a conversation about sharing the load with them.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job title, the size of our house and the make of our car. So we feel that our kids need to be in multiple activities, starting at a young age, on the off chance that they’ll get into a “good” school. The good school, of course, leads to a “good” job so they can afford that big house and fancy car. 

This is all BS! Yes, if your kids enjoy their activities, that’s great. And do you enjoy being this busy? If yes, then keep at it! 

This is for those moms who aren’t sure if they’re happy about it but feel obligated to keep their kids busy. I recently spoke with a mom who’s kids Fall and Winter sport seasons overlapped for several weeks. Meaning the kids often had 2 practices every day after school. And they were exhausted. The only person who really wanted this was Dad. Because he was convinced it would lead to a college scholarship down the road. In all likelihood, those kids were going to be burnt out before they even got to college. 

We also buy into this for all the household tasks. Of course your standards are higher than your husbands. You are the one who will be judged for a cluttered or dirty house. For the type of birthday party you throw for your kids. For the holiday magic. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight back against this (join me!). 

So it’s easier for you do it all. Because there’s no way your husband knows how to properly load the dishwasher or what toothpaste to buy for your 5 year old. 

I’m here to tell you if your husband can keep his job, he can load the dishwasher. 

This is why I do the work I do. Because you are not failing. Society is failing you. 

I remember taking a class a few years ago that talked about wh3$te sup$#macy and the four I’s. It started as an Ideology, became baked into our Institutions. It then became a part of how we engage with each other (Interpersonal). And finally, it became Internalized and exists in all of us.  

For me, this means change starts at home. It’s digging into the societal conditioning we’ve all had, men and women. It’s changing the way we share the load with our partner. As we create equity in our household and relationships, we can start to fight for it in society. Through paid care leave, universal health care, affordable and accessible child care, better funded public education and so much more! 

But if we’re too exhausted from everything we have to do around the house (which is where society wants to keep us) than we can’t fight for bigger changes. 

And right now, our communities need us to show up. For ourselves and each other. 

If you’re still reading this, please understand that I’m not asking you to overhaul your life over night. 

I’m asking you to start evaluating what you are saying yes to in your life. Start asking if you want to be this busy or if you’re doing it because you feel that’s what good moms do. 

I question everything. Not because I want everyone else to stop doing it. But because I want us to understand why we do it. 

One way to start is by defining your values. Or identifying what you want life to feel like in this season. Then make sure that everything on your to-do list fits within those values. This can include wanting to teach your kids how to take care of a household in a non-gendered way. And it might start by learning how to communicate with your husband about sharing the load. 

As I write this, the world is literally burning and it feels like society is crumbling around us. Humanity is struggling. So how can we even be talking about who is going to empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. (I know, I haven’t even mentioned these tasks yet, but they’re part of this conversation). Everyone has to eat and someone should probably see if there’s laundry sitting in the washer. 

It’s hard to focus on such mundane and monotonous tasks when everything feels heavy. It seems too big for one person to fix, so let’s start small. 

I look at the work I do, helping couples implement the Fair Play Method, as my part. I’m pulling at a thread of this big mess we need to dismantle. As we all pull at our own threads, we can begin to think of ways to rebuild. Ways to create a new society that supports everyone, not just rich, white men. 

And that starts with equity in the household. If you’re ready to learn more, schedule a call with me – let’s get started. The world is waiting.

P.S. I know this is rambly and maybe doesn’t make sense. I’m sure I got parts of it wrong or didn’t define something clearly. But if you’ve read this far, something must have resonated with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Do You Like Things Done A Certain Way?

A friend of mine regularly argued with his wife about loading the dishwasher. She was consistently reloading it after he had filled it. She likes things done a certain way.

He said he would stop loading the dishwasher if she kept redoing what he did. Why should he spend the effort if someone was going to redo it?

Yes, it’s hard when you prefer something to be done a certain way. It might mean that you won’t let others clean the kitchen because you like it done in a specific manner.

But what is that doing to your mental and physical health?

And what happens if it’s done in a different way? If it’s done and you get a break from it, I’d call that a win!

Yes, releasing that control is hard. I get it. It’s also totally worth finding a way, even just a little, to relinquish some of that control.

How amazing would it be to sit on your back porch with a glass of wine or cup of tea while someone else cleans the kitchen?

Or maybe you’re helping your son do his homework while your partner helps your daughter make her lunch.

Imagine how it would feel to not remind everyone what needs to happen!

As you start to implement the Fair Play Method in your household, you get time back in your days. When the ticker tape of tasks constantly running through your brain slows down, you have space to focus on so much more! You have time to practice the piano. Take a dance class. Or sit on the back porch reading a book!

One of the long-term results of this method is that you get time back. You make time for self-care, friendships, and even pursuing hobbies or passions.

Because you are not doing everything, all the time, by yourself.

The Minimum Standard of Care helps you let go of needing tasks completed your way.

This is a conversation around a specific task where you discuss exactly how that task is completed. It is not the person with higher standards getting their way.

It’s finding common ground that you both agree upon. If you cannot agree to the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC), ask yourselves:

  1. Would a reasonable person (in this case, your partner, spouse, babysitter, caregivers, parents, and in-laws) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done?
  2. What is the community standard, and do we want to adopt this standard within our own home?
  3. What’s the harm in doing, or not doing, it this way?
  4. What is our “why”?

You might both need to give a little to meet at a place where you both agree.

Remember, your end goal here is to have less on your plate. To share the mental load with your partner.

The other acronym to remember here is CPE. This stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution.

Because it’s not enough to have your partner only doing the execution of a task. Making dinner twice a week, even when you’re still doing all the meal planning and grocery shopping doesn’t change things.

When one person takes on meal planning, grocery shopping, and dinner making, then things start to shift.

That doesn’t mean that one person is doing that job forever and ever. Daily grind cards shouldn’t always be held by one person.

And you’re not trying to get to 50/50. It’s what feels fair in your family. Mine is going to look different.

Play this game for life. As seasons change in your life, things will shift. Your deck of cards might change. Who does what changes.

Schedule a Get On Track call with me to talk through changing this dynamic in your house.