Let’s talk about sharing the load with your husband. Because you’re already communicating about it, let’s do it right!

Me: I know you don’t mean this. But when the dishwasher needs to be emptied and dirty dishes sit on the counter all day, I feel like you’re waiting for me to deal with it.

Husband: No. I’m not thinking about dishes at all. I know one of us will deal with them closer to dinner time. I’m not expecting you to deal with it.

Me: That’s what I thought. It just feels like they’re talking to me. Telling me it’s my responsibility to take care of them, every time I walk through the kitchen.

I used to be resentful about the dishes. I felt like my husband expected me to deal with them. 

I’d walk into the kitchen and see the mess and I felt like the dishes were calling to me. 

Because my job was more flexible, I should have done more household tasks, including cleaning the dishwasher. 

Eventually, I talked with my husband about it. I told him that I felt like the dishes were my responsibility and that I was becoming resentful of having to keep up with them.

He told me he didn’t expect me to do them. He figured one of us would eventually get to them, and he wasn’t really thinking about them at all. 

Yet the problem with expecting someone to eventually get to them doesn’t solve the problem. There’s no clarity and I would still feel responsible. 

So we came up with a plan. Sunday to Saturday, one of us would be in charge of emptying and loading the dishwasher and hand-washing items to be hand-washed. The person also ensured the kitchen was clean enough at night that whoever made breakfast didn’t have to clean the kitchen first. 

Then, we checked in with each other every few weeks to see how it was going. Over time we’ve added on other tasks, like emptying the trash and recycling. 

Maybe this sharing the load sounds like a pipe dream to you. Every time you bring up sharing household tasks, your husband gets defensive.

He shuts down. He claims he’s already doing more than his dad did, so why isn’t it ever enough? Or he is doing plenty of execution tasks but not much of the mental load behind the tasks. 

Maybe things change for a few weeks and then revert to the way it was. 

Or maybe nothing changes. 

This is incredibly frustrating and you have every right to be resentful and angry about it. 

And I want to offer a little hope – how you work together as partners can change. 

Shifting this dynamic is possible. I also have something that might help. 

Because sharing the load isn’t just a fantasy. You can make it a reality. 

Sign up today for my Share The Load calls. It’s two calls where we talk about one task you’d like to share or get off your plate. 

On the first call, we’ll talk about how to approach the conversation and clarify the completion of the task. 

The second call will include how to check in with each other and we’ll discuss any sticky points that came up after the initial conversation. 

You’re already communicating with your partner. Why not do it right? 

It’s time for you to hate the dishes, not each other.