Moms, you are not failing. Society is failing you, and we deserve better.

Fair Play, habits, Help, mindset shift, motivation

This post is me explaining why I do the work I do. Because society is failing moms, and we deserve better.

A parenting book made me cry when my now tween was 2 weeks old. I was exhausted and wondering if I’d ever sleep again. So I turned to a book on sleep for babies that someone had gifted us. According to this book, I was to start this this sleep program on day one. Here we were many days later, and I was already behind. I felt so guilty. I was so tired, I couldn’t see how wrong and unhelpful this advice was and that I hadn’t already messed her up. She would eventually learn to sleep through the night. And I would find the parenting books that did support me on my journey. 

I share this story because society loves to tell moms we’re never doing enough for our kids or ourselves. Our kids need to be in multiple enrichment programs. Keep an eye on their screen time and make sure they have plenty of playdates. They need healthy, home-cooked meals on the table every night. 

We should also be doing plenty of self-care, exercise, and working full-time at a paid job. And our houses should be clean and beautiful, as though no one actually lives there. 

Essentially, no matter what we do, it’s never enough. 

And I’m here to tell you this is all BS. This is wh#$e sup#%macy keeping us in our place. There is no magic mom hack that will make you more productive, keep your house clean, or ensure your kids grow up to be successful (however you want to define that!). You cannot buy the perfect paper planner or download the perfect app to keep you organized. 

Yes, these things can be helpful and some hacks might be useful now and then. And you need to find the parenting books that resonate with you. 

But in the long term, knowing your values, holding boundaries, and sharing the mental load with your partner will be more helpful than any magic productivity hack out there. 

There’s simply too much to do for one person to keep up with. Also, it’s not all on you. Your partner lives with you and is capable of contributing to the household. (So are your kids)

Society is failing moms

Moms have been conditioned to believe that we’re naturally better at caretaking, so we should just do all the household and childcare tasks. Yes, for some women, it might feel incredibly natural. But most of us are simply “better” at it because we’ve had more practice. Because we grew up believing this is what women do. And it feels easier to do it ourselves then to let our partners figure it out. Or have a conversation about sharing the load with them.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job title, the size of our house and the make of our car. So we feel that our kids need to be in multiple activities, starting at a young age, on the off chance that they’ll get into a “good” school. The good school, of course, leads to a “good” job so they can afford that big house and fancy car. 

This is all BS! Yes, if your kids enjoy their activities, that’s great. And do you enjoy being this busy? If yes, then keep at it! 

This is for those moms who aren’t sure if they’re happy about it but feel obligated to keep their kids busy. I recently spoke with a mom who’s kids Fall and Winter sport seasons overlapped for several weeks. Meaning the kids often had 2 practices every day after school. And they were exhausted. The only person who really wanted this was Dad. Because he was convinced it would lead to a college scholarship down the road. In all likelihood, those kids were going to be burnt out before they even got to college. 

We also buy into this for all the household tasks. Of course your standards are higher than your husbands. You are the one who will be judged for a cluttered or dirty house. For the type of birthday party you throw for your kids. For the holiday magic. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight back against this (join me!). 

So it’s easier for you do it all. Because there’s no way your husband knows how to properly load the dishwasher or what toothpaste to buy for your 5 year old. 

I’m here to tell you if your husband can keep his job, he can load the dishwasher. 

This is why I do the work I do. Because you are not failing. Society is failing you. 

I remember taking a class a few years ago that talked about wh3$te sup$#macy and the four I’s. It started as an Ideology, became baked into our Institutions. It then became a part of how we engage with each other (Interpersonal). And finally, it became Internalized and exists in all of us.  

For me, this means change starts at home. It’s digging into the societal conditioning we’ve all had, men and women. It’s changing the way we share the load with our partner. As we create equity in our household and relationships, we can start to fight for it in society. Through paid care leave, universal health care, affordable and accessible child care, better funded public education and so much more! 

But if we’re too exhausted from everything we have to do around the house (which is where society wants to keep us) than we can’t fight for bigger changes. 

And right now, our communities need us to show up. For ourselves and each other. 

If you’re still reading this, please understand that I’m not asking you to overhaul your life over night. 

I’m asking you to start evaluating what you are saying yes to in your life. Start asking if you want to be this busy or if you’re doing it because you feel that’s what good moms do. 

I question everything. Not because I want everyone else to stop doing it. But because I want us to understand why we do it. 

One way to start is by defining your values. Or identifying what you want life to feel like in this season. Then make sure that everything on your to-do list fits within those values. This can include wanting to teach your kids how to take care of a household in a non-gendered way. And it might start by learning how to communicate with your husband about sharing the load. 

As I write this, the world is literally burning and it feels like society is crumbling around us. Humanity is struggling. So how can we even be talking about who is going to empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. (I know, I haven’t even mentioned these tasks yet, but they’re part of this conversation). Everyone has to eat and someone should probably see if there’s laundry sitting in the washer. 

It’s hard to focus on such mundane and monotonous tasks when everything feels heavy. It seems too big for one person to fix, so let’s start small. 

I look at the work I do, helping couples implement the Fair Play Method, as my part. I’m pulling at a thread of this big mess we need to dismantle. As we all pull at our own threads, we can begin to think of ways to rebuild. Ways to create a new society that supports everyone, not just rich, white men. 

And that starts with equity in the household. If you’re ready to learn more, schedule a call with me – let’s get started. The world is waiting.

P.S. I know this is rambly and maybe doesn’t make sense. I’m sure I got parts of it wrong or didn’t define something clearly. But if you’ve read this far, something must have resonated with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Societal expectations of motherhood, the importance of equitable parenting, and how we can do better

Uncategorized

Let’s talk about the movie Nightbitch and its wonderful depiction of the societal expectations of motherhood.

I’m so glad we’re watching this, one of my friends exclaims as we sit down to watch the movie, Nightbitch, starring Amy Adams. She’d just gotten off the phone explaining something to her husband that he should have been able to figure out on his own. Somehow, with 4 moms getting together, we were also responsible for figuring out what to do with 7 kids. We were interrupted 3 times during the movie as kids kept showing up to hang out with my kids. My husband was looking forward to a quiet night watching a movie with our kids and ended up watching 5 kids play instead! 

Have you seen the movie? If you are a mother, I highly recommend you make time to watch it. Find some girlfriends or see if your partner is brave enough to watch it with you. I think dads could get a lot out of this too and it might make for some interesting conversations! 

Yes, I am going to talk about a few scenes here, but I don’t think I’m spoiling too much of it! So feel free to keep reading even if you haven’t seen the movie. 

Nightbitch is a very real and honest look at motherhood. There were so many scenes I loved. So many moments where I felt seen and understood. 

Let’s start with the opening scene. 

Side note: The main characters are named Mother, Father, and Baby. I love this! 

Mother is at the grocery store with Baby. She runs into the person who took over her job when she left to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. 

The woman asked Mother how much she just loves being home with him all the time, how wonderful it must be. And Mother goes into this monologue in her head: 

“It’s complicated. I would love to feel content, but instead, I feel like I am stuck inside a prison of my own creation, where I torment myself until I am left binge-eating Fig Newtons at midnight to keep from crying. I feel like societal norms, gendered expectations, and plain old biology have forced me to become this person I  don’t recognize.  And I am angry all the time. I would one day like to direct my own artwork toward a critique of these modern-day systems that articulate all this, but my brain doesn’t function as it did before the baby, and I am dumb now. I am deeply afraid I will never be smart or happy or thin ever again.”

Mother, Nightbitch

In reality, she says how much she loves it, with a smile on her face. 

Why do we feel like we can’t talk about how hard motherhood is? We have to pretend it’s not hard, monotonous, and nothing like we thought it would be. And there’s nothing we can do about it? We’re stuck. 

Like this is just the way it is! 

Our partners can’t figure out how to load the dishwasher properly. Or learn how to change a diaper or get the kids out the door for school. Or remember to sign kids up for summer camp.

We’ll never sleep again. Or feel like we can have a normal conversation about something besides our kids. 

None of this is true, by the way. Society has set us and our partners up to fail. It’s designed to keep moms overwhelmed and resentful AND too exhausted to do anything about it. 

It doesn’t mean that we don’t love being moms. Or that there aren’t moments that we love. 

Motherhood can be both challenging and amazing at the same time. 

And, we can change it when it’s not working for us. We can work with our partner to share the mental load. So it’s not mom doing all the behind-the-scenes work and dad taking credit for taking out the trash (after being reminded 4 times). 

Our partners can register the kids for soccer or summer camp (yes, it’s possible!). Or any of the other millions of big and little things we need to happen to keep a household functioning, 

Ok, let’s talk about another favorite scene. Mother takes Baby to the hot foods section of a grocery store for lunch. (A big premise of this movie is Mother turning in a dog. She’s becoming more in touch with her primal urges that come from being a mother). 

She and Baby start eating like dogs, full faces in the food containers. And the people around them look at them like they’re being inappropriate. Until the librarian, who we’ve met before, shows up and normalizes their behavior. They have this wonderful conversation about how when her kids were little, they would act like dogs. And you can see the look of relief on Mother’s face. 

Can we do more of this, please? Stop judging others for parenting differently. Normalizing being silly with our kids in public. They weren’t hurting anyone. 

I’ll admit, I’ve been plenty judgmental in my life, especially as a parent. I’m human. I am working on noticing when I judge others for doing something differently. We don’t know everyone’s story. And we don’t know why they’re behaving that way. We only see a little snippet of their lives. 

Society would be a much better place if we stopped judging others so harshly! Especially moms. We’re doing the best we can in an almost impossible situation – let’s have each other’s backs! 

The final scene I’ll talk about today is an argument between Mother and Father. 

Father is upset about something Mother hadn’t shared with him. And she responds with ’Well, I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at doing things by myself.”

She shares how unhappy she is. That’s she’s not ok. She’s angry about a lot of things. One is how he’s getting a sweet deal out of her being home all the time because he has someone to take care of him and Baby and the house. With no pay and no vacation days. No appreciation and all the dirty underwear.

She feels trapped. She’s found herself in a 1950’s marriage. And she’s miserable. She didn’t know what she was getting herself into and now she wants something to change. 

And he had no idea she felt this way. Because he couldn’t read her mind and took what she was saying at face value.

societal expectations of motherhood

I won’t go into more detail about this scene, but it’s my favorite in this whole movie. Because it’s so raw and honest. They’re not communicating well at all. She didn’t know she would be so unhappy and is finally realizing how miserable she is. He took her at her word that she was fine and felt confused about where all this anger was coming from. 

It’s a wonderful depiction of how we get to a place on the brink of separation or divorce before we fix things. Before we finally have an honest conversation about everything. 

This is why I do the work I do. I want to help you and your partner communicate before you’re on the brink of divorce. 

Because we all deserve better. Mothers and Fathers. And our kids. 

It’s better for both parents to find a way to create an equitable way to parent and manage the house. 

I’m here to help you learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that is honest and feels good for both of you. It is possible. And I’m here to support you. Schedule a call today!

Do You Like Things Done A Certain Way?

Fair Play, habits, mindset shift

A friend of mine regularly argued with his wife about loading the dishwasher. She was consistently reloading it after he had filled it. She likes things done a certain way.

He said he would stop loading the dishwasher if she kept redoing what he did. Why should he spend the effort if someone was going to redo it?

Yes, it’s hard when you prefer something to be done a certain way. It might mean that you won’t let others clean the kitchen because you like it done in a specific manner.

But what is that doing to your mental and physical health?

And what happens if it’s done in a different way? If it’s done and you get a break from it, I’d call that a win!

Yes, releasing that control is hard. I get it. It’s also totally worth finding a way, even just a little, to relinquish some of that control.

How amazing would it be to sit on your back porch with a glass of wine or cup of tea while someone else cleans the kitchen?

Or maybe you’re helping your son do his homework while your partner helps your daughter make her lunch.

Imagine how it would feel to not remind everyone what needs to happen!

As you start to implement the Fair Play Method in your household, you get time back in your days. When the ticker tape of tasks constantly running through your brain slows down, you have space to focus on so much more! You have time to practice the piano. Take a dance class. Or sit on the back porch reading a book!

One of the long-term results of this method is that you get time back. You make time for self-care, friendships, and even pursuing hobbies or passions.

Because you are not doing everything, all the time, by yourself.

The Minimum Standard of Care helps you let go of needing tasks completed your way.

This is a conversation around a specific task where you discuss exactly how that task is completed. It is not the person with higher standards getting their way.

It’s finding common ground that you both agree upon. If you cannot agree to the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC), ask yourselves:

  1. Would a reasonable person (in this case, your partner, spouse, babysitter, caregivers, parents, and in-laws) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done?
  2. What is the community standard, and do we want to adopt this standard within our own home?
  3. What’s the harm in doing, or not doing, it this way?
  4. What is our “why”?

You might both need to give a little to meet at a place where you both agree.

Remember, your end goal here is to have less on your plate. To share the mental load with your partner.

The other acronym to remember here is CPE. This stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution.

Because it’s not enough to have your partner only doing the execution of a task. Making dinner twice a week, even when you’re still doing all the meal planning and grocery shopping doesn’t change things.

When one person takes on meal planning, grocery shopping, and dinner making, then things start to shift.

That doesn’t mean that one person is doing that job forever and ever. Daily grind cards shouldn’t always be held by one person.

And you’re not trying to get to 50/50. It’s what feels fair in your family. Mine is going to look different.

Play this game for life. As seasons change in your life, things will shift. Your deck of cards might change. Who does what changes.

Schedule a Get On Track call with me to talk through changing this dynamic in your house.

Parenting Double Standards: Who’s Naturally Better At Taking Care of the Kids?

mindset shift, motivation

Let’s talk about parenting double standards.

Picture this. You send your kids and your partner on a walk to burn off some of that endless energy kids seem to have. Everyone is putting their shoes on to head outside when you hear a meltdown start. Your daughter is crying because she can’t find the right socks.

Do you step in to help because you know which socks she needs? Or hide out in your bedroom because you know your partner can handle it? Maybe you decide you might as well scrap your plans of taking some time for yourself because you’re not sure your partner can handle the kids for a couple of hours.

parenting double standard

I’ve had all of these thoughts go through my head.

I’ve sat in the other room, listening to my husband argue with my kids, trying to get them to do something when they don’t want to. I’ve wondered if I should step in.

I’ve also let him deal with it because he’s their parent too and I know he can handle it.

When my husband or I head out for an evening with friends, the other one is fully in charge of the kids. That means if a meltdown is happening as I head out the door, I leave because my husband is also a parent and can handle it.

I’ve had friends bail on dinner because one of their kids was having a tough time going to bed.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. If you feel your kids need you, then give them that attention. But if you’re staying because you don’t think your partner can handle it, let’s talk about that.

There is this parenting double standard in our society. When dads do something, like take their kids to the park, we see it as this hero move. Oh, look at him, spending time with his kids. He’s such a good dad.

Yet, I could guarantee you we don’t say that about moms. When we see a mom at the park, it’s not a big deal. We’ll judge her for being on her phone or not playing with her kids.

But my husband doesn’t babysit. He’s not a hero for taking the kids to the park or sitting down to play Legos with them. He’s a dad. This is what dads do.

If this doesn’t feel true for you, let’s talk. It’s possible your partner hasn’t had the chance to learn how to do this. Maybe he grew up in a household where his mom did all of the childcare and household tasks.

But remember, you and your partner are a team.

It might feel easier if you do everything yourself, but it doesn’t set anyone up for success in the long run. It’s ok if your partner does something differently. Or takes longer. It’s one less thing you don’t need to worry about.

And there might need to be some knowledge transfer here. Maybe some time is spent talking about how to complete certain tasks. Or giving your partner space to learn what it’s like to take the kids to the park for an afternoon. In a way where they get to figure out what works for them.

Everyone benefits When you are not the only one doing everything in your house.

You are less exhausted and overwhelmed. You can get off the hamster wheel.

You will have more energy, spend more quality time with your family, and feel more relaxed.

That sounds like a win-win for everyone.

So let’s start paying attention to how we approach caretaking tasks. To who is doing what around the house. Thinking about how we got there.

And start paying attention to the parenting double standards our society has. Dads are parents. Let’s start treating them as parents.

Want to talk about changing this in your household? Let’s talk.

Are You Tired Of Hosting Birthday Parties?

habits, Help, mindset shift, time management

How do you feel about hosting birthday parties? I recently spoke with someone who always threw large, elaborate birthday parties for her kids. She shared that her daughter shared she didn’t enjoy these big parties. She had never felt comfortable with them.

The mom was frustrated, mostly with herself, because she’d thought her daughter liked them. The mom didn’t enjoy throwing them herself. She’d always found them exhausting.

I share this story because I think we get so caught up in doing what society has conditioned us to do that we don’t take much time to think about what’s important to us and our families.

It just feels easier to do what our neighbors or our community are doing.

And I think we’d save ourselves so much time and stress if we took even a little bit of time to evaluate how we’re spending our time and what’s important to us.

One of the most important steps in the Fair Play Method is discussing values. As you work through the task cards, you talk about why a specific task is important and what it looks like in your life.

Some of these conversations might be quick. For example, taking out the trash probably doesn’t need to be a long conversation. You value a clean kitchen. You value not having bugs in your kitchen. So the trash needs to go out on a regular basis.

But what type of birthday parties do you host? What do specific holidays look like in your house? And do you send out holiday cards?

Those are important because they can take up a lot of time and mental load.

When my husband and I talk to our kids about what activities they want to do over the summer, it often involves ice cream and playing in the backyard with their friends. They’re not wanting big vacations and endless activities.

And yes, planning big vacations can still be a part of your summer. But it’s also possible to make plenty of time for playing in the mud.

Maybe your kid is only playing soccer because everyone else in the neighborhood is doing the same thing. But several families would love to stop. They just don’t feel like they can because it’s the only way the kids are ever together.

What if you were the family that suggested something different? How would that shift things?

I know that discussing values can feel daunting. You feel that you don’t have time. You need to get dinner on the table and find that permission slip for your daughter.

But when you’ve defined your values, it helps in decision-making. It helps you know if you want to take on a specific task or how you are going to make something happen (like birthday parties).

And it gets you and your partner on the same team. It helps both of you understand why something is or is not important to you.

When you and your partner understand what’s important to the other person, you get to start creating a life that fits that.

Because you can ask yourself if an activity or task fits with those values. And if the answer is no, can you skip that activity?

Taking the time, over several weeks, to hold this conversation saves you time in the long run.

It gets you off the hamster wheel. It gets you focused on what’s important to you and your family. And over time, it gives you time back in your days!

Are you ready? Let’s get started. ​Here is a link to a worksheet to help define your values​!

If you want to talk through defining your values, schedule a call with me.

It’s Time to Stop Being The One in Charge of Everything

habits, motivation

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you were not the only one remembering to walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, or defrost the chicken for dinner? If you weren’t in charge of everything!?

Sound too good to be true? It is possible!

The Fair Play Method is here to help. It takes you out of being the household manager in your home. You don’t have to be the only person in charge of all the tasks.

The method is based on a book by Eve Rodsky. It’s one of my favorite tools for dealing with the invisible and mental load of motherhood. If you’re still reading these emails, you’ve probably read the book! You might even own the deck of cards!

This method sets you and your partner up for success in both parenting and managing the household.

It’s a way for you and your partner to work together as a team, without one person being the household manager.

Essentially, each person takes on full ownership of specific tasks.

It’s not one person telling everyone else what to do.

One person is in charge of making sure the trash is taken out each week. Or the dishes are dealt with each day.

Let me share an example.

My husband and I both work from home. My husband likes to cook. We have 2 kids. There are a lot of dishes. There are days we run the dishwasher twice a day.

My desk is right next to the kitchen so I spend a lot of time staring at dirty dishes.

And for a while, it felt like they were taunting me. Telling me it was my responsibility to deal with them.

My husband and I talked about who was responsible for the dishes. I felt like he was waiting for me to deal with them.

In reality, he wasn’t thinking about dishes. He knew that one of us would deal with them by the end of the day.

So we came up with a plan. Sunday through Saturday, one of us is entirely in charge of the dishes. Both loading and unloading the dishwasher and hand washing anything that needs to be hand-washed. The other person will help clean up a meal and wipe down counters when necessary. But one person is responsible for the dishwasher.

Our only rule is that by Sunday morning, all dishes from the previous week are clean.

Now, this might not work for you. You might need to trade more often.

Both partners agree on what a completed task looks like. The minimum standard of care guides this conversation.

Using Fair Play helps you move from being the default parent to sharing the load with your partner.

It helps you prioritize your to-do list, establish routines and habits, and spend more quality time with your family. And it helps you feel more relaxed and maybe even find that elusive sense of balance.

Now, maybe you’re thinking that you don’t have time for this. You just need to get these tasks done.

I promise that if you implement the Fair Play method in your house, you will have more time.

It gives you time to rediscover who you are outside of being a parent, partner, and professional.

You will no longer be the exhausted, resentful person you have been.

It starts with an invitation to talk with your partner. That’s all.

And I know that’s not easy. But I promise you it’s worth it.

This first conversation can simply be about how you’ve been feeling and that you’ve discovered a tool to change things. And talking with your partner about how open they are to try this tool.

Have you started this conversation with your partner? Start here if you’re struggling. Or schedule a call with me to talk through getting started!

How To Look at Your Time Like A Closet

Closets, habits, motivation, time management

Yes, I am asking you to look at your time like a closet.

When your closet is overflowing, it’s hard to find what you need. Some days you want to slam the door and walk away. Not getting dressed at all.

Just like a packed schedule makes it hard to focus on what’s next. Or deal with a glitch in the system like a sick kid, flat tire, or snow day.

When your closet is organized, you can find what you need.

look at your time

And when your calendar has white space, you can deal with the unexpected.

It’s hard to get excited for the day when the calendar is cluttered with tasks and activities that you don’t feel good about.

Or when your task list feels too long and the day too short.

When your calendar has white space, you can see what’s going on. And if the activities are (mostly) things you want to be doing, you’re a bit more motivated.

If the task list is (mostly) full of tasks that you know are moving you forward in your life, it’s easier to tackle them. Even if it is dealing with a pile of laundry or dishes.

When you take the time to clear items from your closet, you can find what you need and you’re excited to get dressed. Or, at least, it’s a bit easier to get dressed when you’re not being attacked by a pile of sweaters you no longer wear.

The same goes for your calendar. Life feels better when you fill your calendar with activities that you and your family enjoy.

When you are taking steps toward completing a big goal, whether for your business or personal life, you’re more motivated.

You are then able to end your days feeling a bit more at peace. Knowing you are making things happen. Not just spinning your wheels every day.

Yes, there are things like laundry, dishes, and cleaning toilets. These things just need to happen. But knowing that you are also learning Spanish so your family can spend some time in a Spanish-speaking country? Or you are practicing your public speaking skills for the next big presentation at work? Makes cleaning those toilets a little bit easier.

The next time you add something to your calendar, ask yourself if it fits.

If you feel like your calendar or to-do list is bursting at the seams, maybe we should chat! This is the work I do with my clients.

This is also one of the things I love about the Fair Play Method. One of the first conversations you have includes discussing what’s important to you and your family with your partner.

I know that this feels big and heavy. If defining your values feels like too much, maybe you start by thinking about what you want your kids’ childhood to look like. Pretend they’re heading off to college and you’re reminiscing about their childhood. What sticks out for you? What were the activities and moments you want to remember?

It likely isn’t how clean and organized your house is or how efficient you made it through your to-do list.

It’s the games and pizza night you have every Thursday. The afternoons spent at your neighborhood pool. It’s the movies and hot cocoa on snow days. Little moments that we overlook because we feel that we need to do everything on a grand, magical scale.

I know, this all feels impossible when you have piles of laundry that seem to get bigger and you don’t remember when you last cleaned out your pantry. Plus, work emails keep flooding your inbox and you feel like you’re never going to get caught up, let alone ahead.

This week, take 10 minutes to talk with your partner about what’s important to you and your family. If your kids are old enough, talk with them about this too. It doesn’t have to be a big, in-depth conversation. It can be asking everyone to define one thing that’s important to them. Or to talk about what they want the next 3-6 months to look and feel like. It’s ok to keep it simple.

Giving Tree: Your Time is Just as Important as Everyone Else’s.

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Have you read Shell Silverstein’s book, The Giving Tree?

The tree continues giving to the man until there’s nothing left to give. She’s a stump, having given all herself away.

If I were to ask you how you feel when you give to your family, what words come to mind? When you are making sure everyone has the right toothpaste and clean socks. When you are taking care of all the emotional needs that come with raising children!

Do the following words resonate with you? Noble? Generous? Valuable? Purposeful? Sacrificial? Depleted? Resentful? Angry?

Have you become a giving tree in your own life? Giving to others without giving anything to yourself? And ultimately, you end up resentful that you never get to focus on your own goals because you are too busy serving your family.

Society has conditioned moms to give every ounce of themselves to their families. And to feel guilty when they want to take any time for themselves. Whether to take a nap, a long shower, or focus on their own goals.

It doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, it can’t be this way.

When you constantly give yourself to others, you become resentful and drained.

You can even end up physically ill from giving so much of yourself to others.

However, when you learn how to give yourself permission to be unavailable. To burn guilt and shame, you get to step away from mom guilt.

From martyr-mode. Into your full power as a person outside of parenting.

I know you’ve read the books, tried the methods, and feel like nothing works. You’re stuck in this Groundhog Day exhaustion, resentment, and frustration.

But, there is hope.

You become a better parent and partner when you hold boundaries in your life. When you take steps, even small ones, to reach your own goals.

When you start to value your own time, you show your kids that everyone in the family is important. Everyone deserves time to focus on their own goals and be their own person.

Everyone contributes to the household and everyone deserves their own goals and passions.

This might feel impossible to you right now. But the way that you get started is simple.

Start by scheduling time for yourself. Even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes.

This is time that your partner or someone else is in charge of the kids. Maybe you leave the house and take a 10-minute walk once a day. Maybe you take yourself out for coffee.

Maybe you drive to the nearest park and sit on a bench for 10 minutes, taking deep breaths and obsessing over how bathtime is going at home.

But create that time for yourself.

Even if you have no idea what you want to do during that time. If you’ve lost sight of your own goals.

Take 5 minutes to have a cup of tea and sit in the quiet.

Take 10 minutes to think about things you used to enjoy before life got busy with kids, household tasks, and work.

Create the time.

And hold to that time like you would a work meeting, time with your kids, or a doctor’s appointment.

Your partner can handle the kids for 5 minutes. You can leave a snack out before you leave.

Over time, you can increase this to an entire evening once a month. Maybe once a week if you want to get crazy!

We can explore how to take this to another level down the road. For today, get some time on your calendar and make it happen.

Want to talk through how to make this happen? Schedule a Get On Track call with me.

You Do Not Have To Be The One Doing Everything!

Help, mindset shift, motivation, routines

Ever feel like things don’t happen in your household unless you do them or spend time reminding others to do them?

reminding others

It’s like no one takes out the trash unless you remind someone to take it out. You’re the only one putting away laundry and making sure the pantry has the right snacks.

After a while, this gets exhausting and frustrating. And it likely builds up some resentment. You don’t want to be doing everything by yourself. You’re wondering why your partner doesn’t see that you need help.

Wondering why he doesn’t see all of the hard work you put into making sure everyone has what they need. Your daughter is registered for track and she has the right shoes. Your son is registered for his hip-hop class and has a ride to and from the class.

That the toilet paper your husband likes is in the bathroom. So is his favorite toothpaste.

You probably feel like if you ran away for the week, no one would take their vitamins, buy ketchup, or remember to feed the fish.

What if I told you that others can complete household tasks without you reminding others to do something? Or doing it yourself because that feels easier.

No, it doesn’t have to be all on you. It is possible.

Without post-it notes on the bathroom mirror.

Or threatening to throw out clothes that don’t make it in the dirty clothes hamper.

It is possible to know the kitchen is clean at the end of the day. And you are not the one to come in at 9 pm and finish it up (or do it all).

The secret to creating this shift is getting you and your partner on the same team.

I hear you rolling your eyes at me. I know you are currently the household manager, making sure everything happens when it should. And you’re worried that if you change this, things will fall apart.

But what if I told you there is a way to communicate what needs to happen in a manner that gets your partner to listen? That gets you on the same team. No more reminding others in the house to take out the trash.

This isn’t where one person manages everything. This is where each person takes on specific tasks and completes them from beginning to end without reminders.

You know that tasks are being taken care of and you can stop feeling like you have 75 open tabs in your brain.

This is the magic of the Fair Play Method. It works. And it can work for you too.

It’s a way for you to start letting go of some of the mental load. In a way that gets your partner involved (and maybe even your kids!).

It is possible and there is hope.

It all starts with a conversation. I know this sounds simple and maybe too good to be true.

Start by reading the Fair Play Conversation Starter Playbook.

Get that first conversation with your partner on the calendar. Then, we can take the next steps together.

Why I Love The Fair Play Method And You Should Too

motivation, ,

Wondering how to deal with all that mom rage? The Fair Play Method might be your answer! Keep reading to learn more.

Mom rage is real. That anger and resentment at feeling like we are responsible for everything.​From making sure our kids have shoes that fit, and there’s shampoo and toilet paper in the bathroom to signing the kids up for summer camp on the day registration opens.​

It’s never-ending and it’s exhausting.​Maybe you want to talk with your partner about it. But you can’t find the energy or the time. So you carry on, doing everything. Because that feels easier.​ Someday you’ll get around to the conversation. Or maybe you’ll go on strike. Or run away.

​Yes, moms deserve to feel all the rage. But what if we could change it?

​When I discovered the Fair Play method, I felt like here was the answer. Fair Play is a method that gets both partners on the same team. It’s me and my husband against the dishes, not against each other.
​It’s a system that sets you and your partner up for success in your relationship and parenting! It takes the invisible and makes it visible.

​It helps you and your partner share the load of managing a house and raising kids. Tasks are strategically shared between both partners, with your shared values and mutually agreed-upon expectations as your guideposts.​No one holds any task by default. And, you don’t have to be responsible for a task indefinitely.

​I got tired of feeling like the dishes were my responsibility. I would walk into the kitchen and see a pile of dishes needing to be dealt with. We both work from home but my job is more flexible than my husband’s. So I often felt like I should do more around the house.​What that turned into is that I was spending more time cleaning the kitchen than focusing on work. And I started to feel major resentment about it.

Using the Fair Play Method, we talked about it. We decided that one person would be fully in charge of the dishes from Sunday to Saturday.​

This includes emptying and loading the dishwasher. Hand washing anything that doesn’t go in the dishwasher. And making sure the kitchen is clean enough at night that whoever is making breakfast can make breakfast without cleaning the kitchen.

Fair Play Method

​And one person couldn’t leave a mess for the next person to take over Sunday. If you were behind on dishes, you spent Sunday catching before the other person took over.​

​We checked in with each other every few weeks to see how it was going. Then, we layered on other tasks. If it’s your week for dishes, you are also responsible for dealing with the trash and recycling.​This might look different in your family. Because we’re all different. And what works in this season, might not work 6 months from now.

​Which is why regular check-ins are necessary. Start with one or 2 tasks. Talk about it. Come up with a plan. Then layer on other tasks.

​We’re not looking for a 50/50 split of tasks. It’s what works for you and your family In this season.

​And, one person is not in charge of something forever and ever. Unless that works for you! I do the laundry. I don’t mind it. My husband makes dinner most nights. I don’t like to cook and he does. We’re working on getting our kids more involved. Which is a topic for another time!

​I like this method because it gets everyone on a level playing field. You start by talking about your values. And look at the tasks and activities you do and why.

​What do birthdays look like in your family? What do holidays look like? Who is maintaining relationships with extended family and what does that look like? What ongoing activities do you want you and your family to do? Sports? Music? Volunteering?

​When you start with these conversations and build from there, you start to create a life that you don’t want to run away from. You create time to spend with your family and your partner without the ticker tape of tasks running through your head. Because you know they’re being taken care of.​

​Because you do not have to do it all.​

Want to learn more? Sign up for my private podcast or schedule a free 45-minute coaching call with me!

Let’s talk about laundry and why it never ends.

habits, routines, time management

Ever feel like you are always doing laundry? 

There’s always laundry. In the dirty laundry hamper, the dryer, and the clean clothes hamper. 

There’s probably a pile somewhere you’ve forgotten about. 

Laundry is cyclical. You’ll never really be done with it. 

And that’s ok. It means you can take a breath and maybe not be quite so overwhelmed by laundry.

As long as everyone in your family has clean clothes every day (most days?) you are on top of your laundry. 

When my oldest was born, I never folded my sheets. I washed them regularly. But the 2nd set was always shoved in the closet instead of neatly folded. I was too tired and did not care. No one was digging through my closets judging how near and organized it was. And I figured if Martha Stewart came to visit, she could fold my sheets. 

Let’s take a few minutes to talk about laundry and how best to feel on top of it. 

Start by asking yourself the following questions: 

  • How often do I need to do laundry? (One load a day?) (twice a week?) I wash clothes one day a week and sheets and towels on another day. I have a friend who does one load each day. Try different routines to see what works and feels doable.
  • How long does each step take? Time yourself. Sometimes that laundry basket feels like a big project but only takes 5 minutes. How long do each of the following steps take:
    • Sorting
    • Putting in washer/washing 
    • Putting in dryer/drying 
    • Hanging up anything that needs to air-dry
    • Folding
    • Putting away
  • Who else can help? 

Get Your Kids Involved!

My kids are learning to do their laundry. My 11-year-old can do it herself without my help and my 9-year-old needs support. 

laundry

One of my kids lives out of her clean clothes basket because she doesn’t like putting away her clothes. She knows how to put away her laundry. She has no interest in doing it. My goal is not to require her to put away her laundry every week but to know how to put it away when she’s ready. 

I prefer putting my clothes away the day I wash them because I dislike sorting through the laundry basket or dryer trying to find what I’m looking for. 

Get kids involved when they’re little. You don’t need to fold little kid clothes. Sort by type and put in a drawer. Toddlers can learn to sort laundry by shirts / pants / socks. 

If you feel your partner can’t wash laundry because he’ll likely shrink something, separate your delicates from the rest of the clothes. I have a separate basket for things to hang dry. I have enough that I do a separate load of delicates. But if there’s not enough for a separate load, use a mesh bag. Everything to hang dry goes in the mesh bag. Your partner can learn that the mesh bag means items to be hung up to dry. He is capable of this. 

You can also use mesh bags to keep socks together. 

Don’t use hampers with lids. Make it as easy as possible to put dirty laundry in the hamper. Lids add an extra step. 

If it is important to you and worth your time to have your closets perfectly organized and Pinterest-worthy, go for it. 

I’m going to suggest that you, make it as easy as possible to put clothes away. Use baskets (without lids). Have a drawer for all your workout gear. 

I have one kid who prefers hanging up her shirts. My other kid does not. I’m not a fan of hanging up shirts. But I recently started folding my shirts Marie-Kondo style, so they sit like file folders on the shelf. It’s easier than I expected and my shirts stay organized. 

There will always be laundry. So take some time this week to figure out how to make it work best for you and your family. 

It doesn’t have to be something that’s weighing you down! 

Want help with your laundry routine? Sign up for a Get On Track Call today!

How To Feel Less Overwhelmed By Saying Yes To The Right Things, Not Everything!

habits, mindset shift, time management

Do you ever feel like you say yes to everything and end up regretting it? It’s easy to feel ovewhelmed when we say yes to everything! We suddenly find that we have too much going on and start to feel pulled in too many directions. Let’s talk about how to feel less overwhelmed by saying yes to the right things, not all the things!

When we know our commitments, it’s easier to say yes or no to something. If it’s a work project, we can talk about renegotiating deadlines. If it’s a volunteer commitment, we know if we have the time to give. If it’s our kids asking to do one more activity, we can talk about whether it makes sense or will lead to more overwhelm.

How many things have you said yes to in your life because you:

what are you escaping
  1. Didn’t know how to say no at the moment?
  2. Felt obligated to do it even though you really didn’t want to?
  3. Automatically say yes without even thinking about it because you don’t want to disappoint someone?

Remember that every time you say yes to something you are saying no to something else.

And sometimes we have to say no to something that seems like a great opportunity because we know that there’s a better one out there. (Or, we know we need to leave breathing room in our schedules). Make sure that yes is worth it.

When you learn to say no to something that doesn’t work for you, it’s the first step in learning how to feel less overwhelmed. Because life feels like you have some breathing room.

I want you to design a life that you don’t need to escape from. One that doesn’t have you dreading every Monday. Where you aren’t resentful of the activities you and your family are committed to outside of work and school.

It’s a life full of activities and tasks that deserve to be there. It’s full of heck yes’s!

This takes time and reflection, both of which I know you feel you don’t have enough.

But we can change that, together! Sign up for my private podcast today!

It’s time for you to go to bed. Yes, I’m talking to you, mom.

habits, mindset shift, motivation, routines

That’s right. Mom, you need to go to bed. No more doom scrolling. Or promising you’ll go to bed after this next episode. I want you to brush your teeth, wash your face, and go to bed. Leave your phone in the other room. Mom, it’s time for you to go to bed.

Sleep is important. If you’ve been skimping on sleep because you feel overwhelmed by everything you must do, stop it. Sleep (and taking breaks) actually helps you get more done each day.

When you’re tired, you’re not efficient.

You make mistakes.

You’re slower both physically and mentally.

So go to bed.

Also, you deserve rest, regardless of how productive you are.

Before you go to bed though, spend some time thinking about your evening routines. What can you do at night to make your mornings better? Pack lunches? Pack backpacks and work bags? Set out breakfast?

go to bed bedside

Ok. Once you’re getting some sleep, start thinking about your morning routines. Are you getting up earlier than your kids? What needs to happen in the morning to make the rest of your day easier? Run the dishwasher? Put dinner in the crockpot?

Spending some time getting your morning and evening routines working helps make the rest of your days easier!

If you want to talk through your routines, schedule a Get On Track Call with me.

A Game of Mousetrap

habits, motivation, routines

Have you ever played the game of Mousetrap? I remember sitting in my grandparent’s house, putting the game together. I don’t think we ever played the game as designed. Just put the pieces together and sent the marble through the system. My kids now do the same thing.

a game of mousetrap

There’s cause and effect. If something goes wrong, the end result is different. Consequently, when things go smoothly, you get what you want in the end (unless you’re the mouse being caught).

It builds on itself. You need the pieces to connect in a certain way for it to work.

The same can be said for systems (and routines) in our own life. Pieces need to connect in certain ways. And when something is off, things can go wrong.

What routines in your life need some work? What systems can you create?

I’ve blocked time on my calendar for my marketing tasks. I sit down every Monday morning and work my way through a checklist of tasks related to marketing. I tackle the ones I don’t want to do first because I know I won’t do them otherwise. If I don’t sit down on Monday morning with these tasks, they’re less likely to get done for the week.

If I don’t do laundry on Sunday afternoons, I have to create time for it somewhere else in my week. I prefer to do my laundry on Sunday and do my best to keep that routine. Also, I won’t wash laundry that isn’t already in the dirty laundry hampers! I refuse to walk around the house picking up dirty socks.

What do you need to put in place? What can you tweak?

Here are a few to think about.

  • Laundry
  • Meal planning
  • Family meetings
  • Processing emails (personal and work)
  • Recurring work tasks

Routines, once put in place, can take so much work out of our days. They clear up our brains for other things!

How To Add Routines To Your Family Life To Make Life Easier

motivation, routines, time management

Let’s talk about how to add routines to your family life! Sometimes a little structure is helpful!

It’s 5 pm. I’m staring at the fridge, wondering what we’re going to have for dinner. I don’t like to cook. If it’s not planned or prepped, we’re having frozen pizza.

Once we started weekly meal planning (and prepping) our weeknight dinners got easier. Veggies and potatoes were prepped and the meat was defrosted. All I needed to do was turn on the oven, toss everything in a pan, and roast it.

Sunday is laundry day. I refuse to wash clothes any other day of the week unless absolutely necessary. If you want your clothes washed, they better be in the hamper when I start. Otherwise, it will wait until next week.

Add routines to your family life

I’m working on implementing certain days of the week for certain work tasks. Something like Marketing Monday, where Monday is focused on all my marketing tasks. Maybe you have planning meetings on certain days of the week or focus on specific projects at specific times.

Do you find routines stifling or helpful?

Do you think that having routines in your life helps with your creativity? Or hurts it?

It is possible to have routines in your life and also flexibility. When your days are planned and structured down to the minute, any disruption throws things into disarray.

When you have routines and structure with space for the unexpected, everything flows smoothly.

What routines do you need in your days?

Below are a few areas to add routines to your life.

  • Laundry
  • Meal planning and prep
  • Recurring work tasks
  • Morning routines
  • Evening routines

Ask yourself the following questions related to building routines.

  • What are all the steps needed to complete this routine?
  • When does each step need to happen?
  • Who is responsible for each step?

I also recommend spending the last 30 minutes of your workday cleaning up your workspace. Check your calendar and tasks for tomorrow. Celebrate what you accomplished today. Process emails. File paperwork. Check your physical inbox, if you have one. Prepare yourself for tomorrow.

When you add routines to your family life, life gets easier! And when your brain knows that tasks are taken care of, it can solve other problems!

Want to take this further? Schedule a Get On Track call with me!

Why Timing Your Tasks is a Time Saver

routines, time management

Have you ever dreaded a task because it felt like it would take too much time? Then once you finally tackled it, it wasn’t as bad as you thought? Let’s talk about why timing your tasks can help save you time!

I used to feel like laundry was a big time suck (don’t we all?!)

So I decided to time myself one day. And I learned something valuable.

I realized it was taking me too long to fold laundry because my kid’s clothes are often inside out. I was spending too much time turning everything right side out.

ever dreaded a task?

So I stopped.

My daughter has worn pants the wrong side out because that’s how they came out of the drawer.

I’m not taking the time to fix that and apparently, my kids don’t care! And next time they’ll be correct because they turned right side out again when she took them off!

It seems to only bother the adults when kids wear something wrong-side out or backward. Let’s let it go!

And now I know that it takes me less than 10 minutes to fold a load of laundry. I can make that happen. Especially when I think about how much time we’ll spend digging through the laundry trying to find something if I don’t deal with it!

(Side note: My kids now sort and put away their laundry. One of my kids essentially lives out of her clean laundry basket.)

I’m sharing this story because your task list is long. And it could likely be shorter. But you’ve said yes to too many things. And you’re doing too much.

Do you know where your time goes? Not just guessing, but truly knowing?

And have you ever timed your tasks so that you know how long a recurring task takes?

Even if you think you know where your time goes, it’s helpful to track your time. Over a week, document each task, in 30-minute increments. This doesn’t mean that you sit down at the end of the day and write down what you think you did. You stop what you’re doing every 30 minutes and write it down. Use these resources to help with this.

Then go back and review your week. How much time was spent on social media? What time was wasted on activities that were unnecessary? How much time are you spending on work tasks? Were there any surprises or did it make sense to you?

Or, if tracking your time sounds like too much work, identify the tasks you do most often, for work or at home. And time them. How long does writing your weekly newsletter or monthly report take? How long does it take to empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, or plan your dinners for the week?

Use this information to change your future scheduling. Identify what’s working and what’s not.

I promise you that timing your tasks will save you time. You never know until you try!

Your future self will thank you.

I Don’t Have Time For This!

mindset shift, routines

Do you keep appointments you make for yourself?

What about making time to do those things that aren’t high priorities but are things you’d like to do someday?

The things you know would make you happy or contribute to society in some way, but you’re too busy cleaning the house, completing work tasks, and entertaining the kids to get to?

I don't have time for this

What if you made appointments with yourself that you kept as strictly as you would a client meeting, doctor’s appointment, or coffee with a friend?

I’ve had several people ask me how to make time for things they’d like to do but aren’t high priorities. Taking digital classes (personal or professional), volunteering, and doing things outside of chore and work lists.

I suggest spending just 30 minutes taking a class. It’s not much, but over time you will make progress. Treat the time you schedule for yourself with as much respect as you would a client appointment or coffee with a friend.

Another suggestion includes letting go of the need to keep up with all the household tasks all the time. I’m not saying let your house grow mold. But what if you spend one afternoon a month volunteering? Your house isn’t going to fall apart during that time. Volunteering can be something social, where you meet new people. It can be something you do as a family.

And at the end of your life, you’re not going to remember having a spotless, well-maintained home. Or how many things you crossed off your task list. You’re going to remember the things you did with your family and friends. The experiences you created.

I’m not saying you should skip out on your priorities. But we also need to make time for ourselves and time for fun. And it’s ok to schedule it. You should schedule it, otherwise, it’s not going to happen.

And, when you take breaks from your task list, you just might find yourself more productive when you come back to it. You might find that doing something else helps you solve some big client problem or gives you an idea for something at work.

Your future self will thank you!

Moms Do Too Much. Knowing Your Values Can Help.

Organization, time management

Really, what do you value? What does your family value?

One of the reasons I do this work is because I value time. Yours and mine.

You’ve heard me say this before, moms do too much.

We are told that to have it all, we have to do it all.

And I don’t buy it. And I’m on a mission to change this.

I want moms to feel like they have time to have fun with their kids. To spend time with their partner and their friends. And to not feel guilty about all the things that aren’t getting done while they’re out having fun!

Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, it’s often exhausting and overwhelming.

But we don’t have to spend our days simply flinging from one task to another without end.

So if you value your time and you’re ready for things to change, let’s talk. Schedule a Get On Track call today.

moms do too much

And if you’re still coming up with excuses, here are a few reasons why scheduling this call could be just the thing you need!

  1. Feel pulled in too many directions? How about no more days of too many tasks on that list? You know your priorities and how to approach each day, no matter what it throws at you.
  2. Think there’s not enough time to do it all? What if you could create time to spend with your family and on yourself? Watch a movie? Yes, please! Spend a weekend away with friends? Heck yes! Know things are getting done and create time for fun too.
  3. Grumbled at that work project your boss just gave you? You know how to break it down into small and achievable steps. You’re ahead of the game now!
  4. Tired of all the activities? You were just asked to be on the PTA. Your kids asked to join yet another sport. You know if it fits in with your life and whether it’s a heck yes from the beginning.
  5. Is life constantly throwing changes your way? You got this! You know how to evaluate what’s working and what’s not and shift routines and systems as needed.

I look forward to chatting with you!

Your Worth Is More Than Your To-do List.

mindset shift, motivation, time management

That’s right, you are not your to-do list!

Our society tells moms their worth is wrapped up in how much they get done each day.

I’m here to tell you that it’s not.

Mom, your worth has nothing to do with how clean and organized your house is.

you are not your to-do list

It has nothing to do with how much you get done each day.

Your worth is not connected to the activities your kids do each week or how good they are at any of them.

It doesn’t matter if your kid’s clothes match when they leave the house (or if they brushed their hair).

I’m telling you that you are not your to-do list.

Mom, you are worthy simply because of who you are.

Check out my private podcast where I talk about this and more!

We talk about things like: 

  • Moms do too much!
  • Productivity hacks will only get you so far.
  • How to build a life you don’t want to run away from.
  • How to channel your inner toddler and ask WHY?!

Each episode is less than five minutes so you can listen to it In The School Pick-Up Line!

You can access this secret podcast and receive weekly mini-lessons to stop doing ALL THE THINGS yourself.  

Or, dive into my Stride Together Program. Tips, tricks, ideas, and community!

How To Gain Control Over Your To-Do List

mindset shift, motivation, time management

I’m sitting at my desk getting ready to gain control over my to-do list.

My to-do list for today has more than work tasks listed. I need to change the sheets, get my kids signed up for swim lessons, and schedule a dentist appointment.

One of the reasons moms are so exhausted is they’re never only focusing on work or only focusing on their kids.

You are constantly switching between tasks. And that constant switching is exhausting. Many things are rolling through your brain. (Hello, Mental load!)

You likely thought of 6 things you need to do today just while reading this!

The mental labor of keeping a household running is exhausting and overwhelming.

So, what can we do about it? How do you gain control over your to-do list?

First, start with a brain dump. Get all the tasks and ideas out of your head. Your brain was not meant to hold more than 4-5 ideas at a time. You don’t need to remember that you need toothpaste, write it down and stop thinking about it!

one to the next

This step alone is helpful. And it can be overwhelming to see all those tasks listed in front of you. You don’t have to do all those tasks today! I promise.

Documenting your tasks helps you categorize them. So you can run all your errands at once instead of going to the grocery store or Target 5 times over 2 weeks.

The other tip I have for you is time blocking. Have certain times of the week or day when you complete certain tasks. Monday mornings are blocked off for all my marketing tasks. I have a checklist of everything I need to do. I block time on my calendar so that people can’t schedule appointments with me until after 10am. This way, I can sit down and work my way through my checklist.

Same for laundry. I have certain days of the week I do laundry. I’ll do the occasional load if necessary. But if your laundry isn’t in the laundry basket when laundry is done, it isn’t getting clean!

What can you time block for yourself this week? It could be a work task or a household chore.

And if you want help in gaining control, let’s talk about it together!