Ever reach the end of the day and you don’t know what you accomplished? You don’t know where the time went. The day passed. You crossed tasks off your list. But you don’t feel like you truly did anything?
I know it’s hard to keep up with everything. Between kids, household tasks, and work tasks, plus society telling you to eat more protein and fit in self-care, whatever that is, it’s exhausting to figure out where to start each day. You might get up in the morning and spend your day checking tasks off your list and go to bed wondering what you accomplished.
In reality, you did a lot. You just might not have focused on what’s important to you or made any progress on your own goals. And because we expect so much from ourselves, we don’t give ourselves credit for everything that we did do.
This need to do all the things perfectly, all day, every day is deeply embedded in our society and in our lives. It can be hard to fight against. But these steps help.
For now, I’m asking you to take a few minutes to list out your commitments, activities, and to-dos.
It helps you see all of this information documented, even if it is overwhelming. That feeling of overwhelm is information you can use.
Think of it like a brain dump. Gather some paper, open a Google Doc, or use whatever you want to take notes and make a list. Plan on taking about 10-15 minutes on this.
Start by listing all of your and your family’s activities and commitments. Volunteering, sports, other extracurricular activities. Family obligations. List anything outside of work and school.
Then list all of your to-dos. Both ongoing and one-time things. List anything that’s been running through your mind that you want to get done.
Now, I know this list is going to feel overwhelming. Please know that this is not a list of things that have to be done today. It’s a moment in time, and we can work together to make this feel more approachable. This is the work I do with my clients.
Let’s look at some examples. Let’s say it’s Fall and you’re wrapping up Fall sports season and Winter sports pre-season is starting. You are volunteering on the PTA Board, which is gearing up for a big fundraiser. There are lots of meetings as you prepare for this event.
You’re going to write all of this down along with any work projects you have going on. Maybe you like to start your holiday shopping early, there’s a family birthday in November, or you always host Thanksgiving.
Get all of that documented and out of your head. I know this might feel like a lot, but it’s important to have it written out.
Next week we’ll talk about what to do with this list! For now, take 10 minutes and do a brain dump. And, if you have to hide the list until my next email because it’s too overwhelming, put it in a drawer. But don’t forget where you put it!
You’ve read all the productivity books. You’ve watched all the TikTok videos. Nothing works. You still have too much to do, and you’re exhausted by all the tasks.
You’re ready for something different. But what do you do? How do you deal with the endless list?
We start by clarifying what you want this season of life to look and feel like.
When you know what you want this season of life to look and feel like, you have a different lens to evaluate your to-do list. You can identify what tasks and commitments belong on your list because they matter to you, versus tasks that you think should be there.
You know whether you want to say yes to this birthday party because it’s your kids’ best friend and friendship is important, versus a classmate’s party on a day you wanted to spend as a family. Or whether to sign your kid up for another activity, even though you’re tired of driving your kids everywhere, and really wanted to go to book club, or maybe that was your only night you didn’t have to go anywhere.
Answer this question: What do you want this season of life to look and feel like?
Don’t overthink it or make it too complicated. But really define it, in as much detail as makes sense for you.
Have the conversation with your partner and your family.
Write it down. Put it somewhere that you’ll see it regularly. Make it the background on your phone. Whatever keeps it front and center of your day.
Let’s talk about what this might look like in your life. Maybe you’re a few weeks away from Fall sports season ending. And Winter sports season starts soon. There’ll be a few weeks of Fall and Winter sports overlapping. This means it’ll be chaotic for a few weeks.
As you move through these busy weeks, pay attention to how everyone is doing. How are the kids feeling about this busyness? How do you feel about it? Would you like to do something different next year? What might that look like?
We’re not overhauling your life right now. We’re thinking about what we want this next season to look like.
Whatever you have coming up, think about how you want things to look and feel. Awareness is a great first step.
Your days don’t have to feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel. They can feel like you are moving forward on your goals and making progress on that endless to-do list.
Let’s talk about the movie Nightbitch and its wonderful depiction of the societal expectations of motherhood.
I’m so glad we’re watching this, one of my friends exclaims as we sit down to watch the movie, Nightbitch, starring Amy Adams. She’d just gotten off the phone explaining something to her husband that he should have been able to figure out on his own. Somehow, with 4 moms getting together, we were also responsible for figuring out what to do with 7 kids. We were interrupted 3 times during the movie as kids kept showing up to hang out with my kids. My husband was looking forward to a quiet night watching a movie with our kids and ended up watching 5 kids play instead!
Have you seen the movie? If you are a mother, I highly recommend you make time to watch it. Find some girlfriends or see if your partner is brave enough to watch it with you. I think dads could get a lot out of this too and it might make for some interesting conversations!
Yes, I am going to talk about a few scenes here, but I don’t think I’m spoiling too much of it! So feel free to keep reading even if you haven’t seen the movie.
Nightbitch is a very real and honest look at motherhood. There were so many scenes I loved. So many moments where I felt seen and understood.
Let’s start with the opening scene.
Side note: The main characters are named Mother, Father, and Baby. I love this!
Mother is at the grocery store with Baby. She runs into the person who took over her job when she left to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.
The woman asked Mother how much she just loves being home with him all the time, how wonderful it must be. And Mother goes into this monologue in her head:
“It’s complicated. I would love to feel content, but instead, I feel like I am stuck inside a prison of my own creation, where I torment myself until I am left binge-eating Fig Newtons at midnight to keep from crying. I feel like societal norms, gendered expectations, and plain old biology have forced me to become this person I don’t recognize. And I am angry all the time. I would one day like to direct my own artwork toward a critique of these modern-day systems that articulate all this, but my brain doesn’t function as it did before the baby, and I am dumb now. I am deeply afraid I will never be smart or happy or thin ever again.”
Mother, Nightbitch
In reality, she says how much she loves it, with a smile on her face.
Why do we feel like we can’t talk about how hard motherhood is? We have to pretend it’s not hard, monotonous, and nothing like we thought it would be. And there’s nothing we can do about it? We’re stuck.
Like this is just the way it is!
Our partners can’t figure out how to load the dishwasher properly. Or learn how to change a diaper or get the kids out the door for school. Or remember to sign kids up for summer camp.
We’ll never sleep again. Or feel like we can have a normal conversation about something besides our kids.
None of this is true, by the way. Society has set us and our partners up to fail. It’s designed to keep moms overwhelmed and resentful AND too exhausted to do anything about it.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t love being moms. Or that there aren’t moments that we love.
Motherhood can be both challenging and amazing at the same time.
And, we can change it when it’s not working for us. We can work with our partner to share the mental load. So it’s not mom doing all the behind-the-scenes work and dad taking credit for taking out the trash (after being reminded 4 times).
Our partners can register the kids for soccer or summer camp (yes, it’s possible!). Or any of the other millions of big and little things we need to happen to keep a household functioning,
Ok, let’s talk about another favorite scene. Mother takes Baby to the hot foods section of a grocery store for lunch. (A big premise of this movie is Mother turning in a dog. She’s becoming more in touch with her primal urges that come from being a mother).
She and Baby start eating like dogs, full faces in the food containers. And the people around them look at them like they’re being inappropriate. Until the librarian, who we’ve met before, shows up and normalizes their behavior. They have this wonderful conversation about how when her kids were little, they would act like dogs. And you can see the look of relief on Mother’s face.
Can we do more of this, please? Stop judging others for parenting differently. Normalizing being silly with our kids in public. They weren’t hurting anyone.
I’ll admit, I’ve been plenty judgmental in my life, especially as a parent. I’m human. I am working on noticing when I judge others for doing something differently. We don’t know everyone’s story. And we don’t know why they’re behaving that way. We only see a little snippet of their lives.
Society would be a much better place if we stopped judging others so harshly! Especially moms. We’re doing the best we can in an almost impossible situation – let’s have each other’s backs!
The final scene I’ll talk about today is an argument between Mother and Father.
Father is upset about something Mother hadn’t shared with him. And she responds with ’Well, I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at doing things by myself.”
She shares how unhappy she is. That’s she’s not ok. She’s angry about a lot of things. One is how he’s getting a sweet deal out of her being home all the time because he has someone to take care of him and Baby and the house. With no pay and no vacation days. No appreciation and all the dirty underwear.
She feels trapped. She’s found herself in a 1950’s marriage. And she’s miserable. She didn’t know what she was getting herself into and now she wants something to change.
And he had no idea she felt this way. Because he couldn’t read her mind and took what she was saying at face value.
I won’t go into more detail about this scene, but it’s my favorite in this whole movie. Because it’s so raw and honest. They’re not communicating well at all. She didn’t know she would be so unhappy and is finally realizing how miserable she is. He took her at her word that she was fine and felt confused about where all this anger was coming from.
It’s a wonderful depiction of how we get to a place on the brink of separation or divorce before we fix things. Before we finally have an honest conversation about everything.
This is why I do the work I do. I want to help you and your partner communicate before you’re on the brink of divorce.
Because we all deserve better. Mothers and Fathers. And our kids.
It’s better for both parents to find a way to create an equitable way to parent and manage the house.
I’m here to help you learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that is honest and feels good for both of you. It is possible. And I’m here to support you. Schedule a call today!
Have you read Shell Silverstein’s book, The Giving Tree?
The tree continues giving to the man until there’s nothing left to give. She’s a stump, having given all herself away.
If I were to ask you how you feel when you give to your family, what words come to mind? When you are making sure everyone has the right toothpaste and clean socks. When you are taking care of all the emotional needs that come with raising children!
Do the following words resonate with you? Noble? Generous? Valuable? Purposeful? Sacrificial? Depleted? Resentful? Angry?
Have you become a giving tree in your own life? Giving to others without giving anything to yourself? And ultimately, you end up resentful that you never get to focus on your own goals because you are too busy serving your family.
Society has conditioned moms to give every ounce of themselves to their families. And to feel guilty when they want to take any time for themselves. Whether to take a nap, a long shower, or focus on their own goals.
It doesn’t have to be this way. In fact, it can’t be this way.
When you constantly give yourself to others, you become resentful and drained.
You can even end up physically ill from giving so much of yourself to others.
However, when you learn how to give yourself permission to be unavailable. To burn guilt and shame, you get to step away from mom guilt.
From martyr-mode. Into your full power as a person outside of parenting.
I know you’ve read the books, tried the methods, and feel like nothing works. You’re stuck in this Groundhog Day exhaustion, resentment, and frustration.
But, there is hope.
You become a better parent and partner when you hold boundaries in your life. When you take steps, even small ones, to reach your own goals.
When you start to value your own time, you show your kids that everyone in the family is important. Everyone deserves time to focus on their own goals and be their own person.
Everyone contributes to the household and everyone deserves their own goals and passions.
This might feel impossible to you right now. But the way that you get started is simple.
Start by scheduling time for yourself. Even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes.
This is time that your partner or someone else is in charge of the kids. Maybe you leave the house and take a 10-minute walk once a day. Maybe you take yourself out for coffee.
Maybe you drive to the nearest park and sit on a bench for 10 minutes, taking deep breaths and obsessing over how bathtime is going at home.
But create that time for yourself.
Even if you have no idea what you want to do during that time. If you’ve lost sight of your own goals.
Take 5 minutes to have a cup of tea and sit in the quiet.
Take 10 minutes to think about things you used to enjoy before life got busy with kids, household tasks, and work.
Create the time.
And hold to that time like you would a work meeting, time with your kids, or a doctor’s appointment.
Your partner can handle the kids for 5 minutes. You can leave a snack out before you leave.
Over time, you can increase this to an entire evening once a month. Maybe once a week if you want to get crazy!
We can explore how to take this to another level down the road. For today, get some time on your calendar and make it happen.
Want to talk through how to make this happen? Schedule a Get On Track call with me.
