This post is me explaining why I do the work I do. Because society is failing moms, and we deserve better.
A parenting book made me cry when my now tween was 2 weeks old. I was exhausted and wondering if I’d ever sleep again. So I turned to a book on sleep for babies that someone had gifted us. According to this book, I was to start this this sleep program on day one. Here we were many days later, and I was already behind. I felt so guilty. I was so tired, I couldn’t see how wrong and unhelpful this advice was and that I hadn’t already messed her up. She would eventually learn to sleep through the night. And I would find the parenting books that did support me on my journey.
I share this story because society loves to tell moms we’re never doing enough for our kids or ourselves. Our kids need to be in multiple enrichment programs. Keep an eye on their screen time and make sure they have plenty of playdates. They need healthy, home-cooked meals on the table every night.
We should also be doing plenty of self-care, exercise, and working full-time at a paid job. And our houses should be clean and beautiful, as though no one actually lives there.
Essentially, no matter what we do, it’s never enough.
And I’m here to tell you this is all BS. This is wh#$e sup#%macy keeping us in our place. There is no magic mom hack that will make you more productive, keep your house clean, or ensure your kids grow up to be successful (however you want to define that!). You cannot buy the perfect paper planner or download the perfect app to keep you organized.
Yes, these things can be helpful and some hacks might be useful now and then. And you need to find the parenting books that resonate with you.
But in the long term, knowing your values, holding boundaries, and sharing the mental load with your partner will be more helpful than any magic productivity hack out there.
There’s simply too much to do for one person to keep up with. Also, it’s not all on you. Your partner lives with you and is capable of contributing to the household. (So are your kids)
Moms have been conditioned to believe that we’re naturally better at caretaking, so we should just do all the household and childcare tasks. Yes, for some women, it might feel incredibly natural. But most of us are simply “better” at it because we’ve had more practice. Because we grew up believing this is what women do. And it feels easier to do it ourselves then to let our partners figure it out. Or have a conversation about sharing the load with them.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job title, the size of our house and the make of our car. So we feel that our kids need to be in multiple activities, starting at a young age, on the off chance that they’ll get into a “good” school. The good school, of course, leads to a “good” job so they can afford that big house and fancy car.
This is all BS! Yes, if your kids enjoy their activities, that’s great. And do you enjoy being this busy? If yes, then keep at it!
This is for those moms who aren’t sure if they’re happy about it but feel obligated to keep their kids busy. I recently spoke with a mom who’s kids Fall and Winter sport seasons overlapped for several weeks. Meaning the kids often had 2 practices every day after school. And they were exhausted. The only person who really wanted this was Dad. Because he was convinced it would lead to a college scholarship down the road. In all likelihood, those kids were going to be burnt out before they even got to college.
We also buy into this for all the household tasks. Of course your standards are higher than your husbands. You are the one who will be judged for a cluttered or dirty house. For the type of birthday party you throw for your kids. For the holiday magic. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight back against this (join me!).
So it’s easier for you do it all. Because there’s no way your husband knows how to properly load the dishwasher or what toothpaste to buy for your 5 year old.
I’m here to tell you if your husband can keep his job, he can load the dishwasher.
This is why I do the work I do. Because you are not failing. Society is failing you.
I remember taking a class a few years ago that talked about wh3$te sup$#macy and the four I’s. It started as an Ideology, became baked into our Institutions. It then became a part of how we engage with each other (Interpersonal). And finally, it became Internalized and exists in all of us.
For me, this means change starts at home. It’s digging into the societal conditioning we’ve all had, men and women. It’s changing the way we share the load with our partner. As we create equity in our household and relationships, we can start to fight for it in society. Through paid care leave, universal health care, affordable and accessible child care, better funded public education and so much more!
But if we’re too exhausted from everything we have to do around the house (which is where society wants to keep us) than we can’t fight for bigger changes.
And right now, our communities need us to show up. For ourselves and each other.
If you’re still reading this, please understand that I’m not asking you to overhaul your life over night.
I’m asking you to start evaluating what you are saying yes to in your life. Start asking if you want to be this busy or if you’re doing it because you feel that’s what good moms do.
I question everything. Not because I want everyone else to stop doing it. But because I want us to understand why we do it.
One way to start is by defining your values. Or identifying what you want life to feel like in this season. Then make sure that everything on your to-do list fits within those values. This can include wanting to teach your kids how to take care of a household in a non-gendered way. And it might start by learning how to communicate with your husband about sharing the load.
As I write this, the world is literally burning and it feels like society is crumbling around us. Humanity is struggling. So how can we even be talking about who is going to empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. (I know, I haven’t even mentioned these tasks yet, but they’re part of this conversation). Everyone has to eat and someone should probably see if there’s laundry sitting in the washer.
It’s hard to focus on such mundane and monotonous tasks when everything feels heavy. It seems too big for one person to fix, so let’s start small.
I look at the work I do, helping couples implement the Fair Play Method, as my part. I’m pulling at a thread of this big mess we need to dismantle. As we all pull at our own threads, we can begin to think of ways to rebuild. Ways to create a new society that supports everyone, not just rich, white men.
And that starts with equity in the household. If you’re ready to learn more, schedule a call with me – let’s get started. The world is waiting.
P.S. I know this is rambly and maybe doesn’t make sense. I’m sure I got parts of it wrong or didn’t define something clearly. But if you’ve read this far, something must have resonated with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
