That’s right. Mom, you need to go to bed. No more doom scrolling. Or promising you’ll go to bed after this next episode. I want you to brush your teeth, wash your face, and go to bed. Leave your phone in the other room. Mom, it’s time for you to go to bed.
Sleep is important. If you’ve been skimping on sleep because you feel overwhelmed by everything you must do, stop it. Sleep (and taking breaks) actually helps you get more done each day.
When you’re tired, you’re not efficient.
You make mistakes.
You’re slower both physically and mentally.
So go to bed.
Also, you deserve rest, regardless of how productive you are.
Before you go to bed though, spend some time thinking about your evening routines. What can you do at night to make your mornings better? Pack lunches? Pack backpacks and work bags? Set out breakfast?
Ok. Once you’re getting some sleep, start thinking about your morning routines. Are you getting up earlier than your kids? What needs to happen in the morning to make the rest of your day easier? Run the dishwasher? Put dinner in the crockpot?
Spending some time getting your morning and evening routines working helps make the rest of your days easier!
If you want to talk through your routines, schedule a Get On Track Call with me.
Have you ever played the game of Mousetrap? I remember sitting in my grandparent’s house, putting the game together. I don’t think we ever played the game as designed. Just put the pieces together and sent the marble through the system. My kids now do the same thing.
There’s cause and effect. If something goes wrong, the end result is different. Consequently, when things go smoothly, you get what you want in the end (unless you’re the mouse being caught).
It builds on itself. You need the pieces to connect in a certain way for it to work.
The same can be said for systems (and routines) in our own life. Pieces need to connect in certain ways. And when something is off, things can go wrong.
What routines in your life need some work? What systems can you create?
I’ve blocked time on my calendar for my marketing tasks. I sit down every Monday morning and work my way through a checklist of tasks related to marketing. I tackle the ones I don’t want to do first because I know I won’t do them otherwise. If I don’t sit down on Monday morning with these tasks, they’re less likely to get done for the week.
If I don’t do laundry on Sunday afternoons, I have to create time for it somewhere else in my week. I prefer to do my laundry on Sunday and do my best to keep that routine. Also, I won’t wash laundry that isn’t already in the dirty laundry hampers! I refuse to walk around the house picking up dirty socks.
What do you need to put in place? What can you tweak?
Here are a few to think about.
Laundry
Meal planning
Family meetings
Processing emails (personal and work)
Recurring work tasks
Routines, once put in place, can take so much work out of our days. They clear up our brains for other things!
Let’s talk about how to add routines to your family life! Sometimes a little structure is helpful!
It’s 5 pm. I’m staring at the fridge, wondering what we’re going to have for dinner. I don’t like to cook. If it’s not planned or prepped, we’re having frozen pizza.
Once we started weekly meal planning (and prepping) our weeknight dinners got easier. Veggies and potatoes were prepped and the meat was defrosted. All I needed to do was turn on the oven, toss everything in a pan, and roast it.
Sunday is laundry day. I refuse to wash clothes any other day of the week unless absolutely necessary. If you want your clothes washed, they better be in the hamper when I start. Otherwise, it will wait until next week.
I’m working on implementing certain days of the week for certain work tasks. Something like Marketing Monday, where Monday is focused on all my marketing tasks. Maybe you have planning meetings on certain days of the week or focus on specific projects at specific times.
Do you find routines stifling or helpful?
Do you think that having routines in your life helps with your creativity? Or hurts it?
It is possible to have routines in your life and also flexibility. When your days are planned and structured down to the minute, any disruption throws things into disarray.
When you have routines and structure with space for the unexpected, everything flows smoothly.
What routines do you need in your days?
Below are a few areas to add routines to your life.
Laundry
Meal planning and prep
Recurring work tasks
Morning routines
Evening routines
Ask yourself the following questions related to building routines.
What are all the steps needed to complete this routine?
When does each step need to happen?
Who is responsible for each step?
I also recommend spending the last 30 minutes of your workday cleaning up your workspace. Check your calendar and tasks for tomorrow. Celebrate what you accomplished today. Process emails. File paperwork. Check your physical inbox, if you have one. Prepare yourself for tomorrow.
When you add routines to your family life, life gets easier! And when your brain knows that tasks are taken care of, it can solve other problems!
Want to take this further? Schedule a Get On Track call with me!
I’m sitting at my desk getting ready to gain control over my to-do list.
My to-do list for today has more than work tasks listed. I need to change the sheets, get my kids signed up for swim lessons, and schedule a dentist appointment.
One of the reasons moms are so exhausted is they’re never only focusing on work or only focusing on their kids.
You are constantly switching between tasks. And that constant switching is exhausting. Many things are rolling through your brain. (Hello, Mental load!)
You likely thought of 6 things you need to do today just while reading this!
The mental labor of keeping a household running is exhausting and overwhelming.
So, what can we do about it? How do you gain control over your to-do list?
First, start with a brain dump. Get all the tasks and ideas out of your head. Your brain was not meant to hold more than 4-5 ideas at a time. You don’t need to remember that you need toothpaste, write it down and stop thinking about it!
This step alone is helpful. And it can be overwhelming to see all those tasks listed in front of you. You don’t have to do all those tasks today! I promise.
Documenting your tasks helps you categorize them. So you can run all your errands at once instead of going to the grocery store or Target 5 times over 2 weeks.
The other tip I have for you is time blocking. Have certain times of the week or day when you complete certain tasks. Monday mornings are blocked off for all my marketing tasks. I have a checklist of everything I need to do. I block time on my calendar so that people can’t schedule appointments with me until after 10am. This way, I can sit down and work my way through my checklist.
Same for laundry. I have certain days of the week I do laundry. I’ll do the occasional load if necessary. But if your laundry isn’t in the laundry basket when laundry is done, it isn’t getting clean!
What can you time block for yourself this week? It could be a work task or a household chore.
“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants
Are your kids too busy for you to get together with your friends? Read on for some ideas!
I was sitting on the playground recently, watching my kids play and listening to a group of parents talk about how hard it was to get together with their friends.
A dad was describing this long text thread of trying to get together with a friend to go rock-climbing. They live 30 minutes away from great climbing, but could not find a time when they were both free at the same time.
Same story for a mom trying to make plans with some girlfriends.
There were all the activities that the kids were doing. Soccer. Piano. Swim lessons. Dance. Gymnastics. Tuesdays and Thursdays were out. Saturdays too because that’s when the games are. And the multitude of birthday parties and other kid-centered activities that happen.
If there’s more than one kid, the activities likely fall on different days, so there goes most weekdays.
And I say there thinking to myself – it doesn’t have to be this hard, does it? It shouldn’t be this hard to make time to see our friends. Why do we design our lives to revolve around our children?
Society has led us to believe that we need to do everything for our children and keep them fully entertained all the time. That it’s selfish for us to do anything for ourselves.
Play dates. Sports. Music. They must be achieving and growing.
What happened to kids entertaining themselves while mom and dad sit and have a quiet cup of coffee together?
What would happen if you said no to a birthday party and instead spent some time with your family? Or hired a babysitter (or a neighbor) to watch your kid(s) while you and a friend went and took a walk or went for a cup of coffee?
What if each family member took one activity off their plate for the next few months? What would that extra time do for all of you?
You can design a life you love. Not one that’s requiring you to respond to stress with the torpor of a possum.
What would you let go of today to make more time for your friends?
Your future self will thank you!
Sign up for my private podcast to take the next step in what to do when your kids are too busy!
Did you know that people make over 35,000 decisions a day?
This is why, when it’s time for dinner and you haven’t planned it, you have wine and M&M’s and feed your kids cereal (there’s nothing wrong with this, on occasion, by the way).
Moms already have enough on their plates. There’s no need to make life more complicated.
Having some basic routines and systems in your days and weeks helps simplify things. Remove decisions where you can.
Have a menu that repeats every 2 weeks. You have chicken every Thursday. The spices and sides can change, but you know roughly what you’re eating. Every Monday is something vegetarian. Keep a list of meal ideas so you can easily plan those vegetarian meals without too much thought.
Have certain days of the week for laundry. Or, do one load a day. Figure out what laundry routine works best for you. I wash clothes on Sundays and sheets/towels on Fridays. I have a friend who does one full load (from washing to putting it away) every day. Figure out what works for you and your family and stick with it.
Have a list of things to which you will say no. This is important. Shiny objects. Clothes you don’t need. Toys your kids don’t need. Activities and commitments are just one more thing to keep track of. Figure out what’s important and say no to the rest!
The point is to take as many decisions as possible out of your day. Because 35,000 decisions a day is just too many!
Your future self will thank you!
Ready to deal with your decision fatigue? Sign up for my private podcast today!
Do you have days where you feel like you missed a class on how to be an adult?
Where the to-do list is overwhelming and never-ending? And you wonder if you’ll ever feel on top of your game?
I know I have! Mothering doesn’t have to be this hard if we do it together.
This is why I created Stride Productivity and my virtual community, Stride Together.
Because being a mom is hard. Being a mom while also working a full-time job or running your own business is hard. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard!
And I want moms to know they’re not alone.
I want moms to know what it feels like to not have clutter and tasks in every crevice of their day.
To make time for fun.
To spend quality time with their families.
And to have a sense of control.
It is possible.
I want moms to know they can stop:
Ending each day exhausted and drained but feeling like you didn’t do enough. There’s still laundry to put away. You didn’t get to that work project you wanted to start on. And you don’t remember the last time you had an actual conversation with your partner.
Feeling pulled in too many directions. You want to say yes to your kids when they ask you to join them on the swings. But you have work emails to respond to, dinner to figure out, and a piece of paper you need to find and sign for your son’s soccer team.
Carrying all of the mental load. You’d like to talk with your partner, but you’re too tired to have the conversation. At least for today, it’s easier to take in on yourself.
In this beautiful book I read with my kids, Suzy’s mom tells her to pick up her room. Her room is such a mess that she’s not even sure where to start. She feels overwhelmed by the mess. What should she do?
Have you been there?
Have you ever taken a look at your kitchen, the piles of kids’ toys, your to-do list for work, and just stood there?
Overwhelmed and unsure of where to even start?
I have.
The endless lists. The piles that keep appearing, like a game of whack-a-mole. The dishes, laundry, kids’ toys. The emails, slack messages, interruptions. The work projects.
Where do you even start when it’s such a mess?
Do what Suzy and her mom do. (and what I do with my kids when their toys are all over the house).
Play the seek and sort game. Pick one task, one list, one subject. And start.
Process your emails (not just read them, but respond, delete, file, figure out the next action).
Find that one task that’s been lingering on your list and do it.
Find all the tasks that will take less than two minutes and see how many you can do in 30 minutes.
Identify the next step on an important work project and take it.
Set a timer for 15 minutes and work on that task you have been avoiding.
The point here is to pick one spot, any spot, and tackle it.
And, if you’re really struggling, put all the tasks on separate sheets of paper in a bowl and draw one out. Do it. Repeat.
Seek. Sort. Start.
Your future self will thank you.
This is a true picture of my kid’s old playroom. It was amazing how quickly they made a mess to the point that they couldn’t play in it! And we had to pick one spot, one toy category, and start cleaning up! Life can feel this messy sometimes, huh?!
She bends but never breaks. In the song, Surface Pressure, from Encanto, we find Luisa singing the following lyrics.
I take what I’m handed, I break what’s demanding But
Under the surface
I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus
Under the surface…
I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service…
Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop, whoa
Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, it doesn’t hurt
And see if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
Luisa is singing about how she feels so much pressure and is wondering if she can handle it.
She’s always been expected to be the strong one in the family. And the family and town keep throwing tasks at her and expecting her to take more and more on.
She feels herself crumbling under the pressure. She also starts to realize that she doesn’t always have to be the strong one. That she doesn’t always have to take everything on. That she’s more than the strong one. And she really needs a break. We watch as she bends but never breaks.
Do these words resonate with you? Do you feel the pressure of taking everything on yourself?
You take everything that’s thrown at you. You bend but never break.
But underneath everything, you feel a bit berserk? Trying not to crumble under the pressure? Feeling like your worth is wrapped up in service to your family?
Maybe you too are developing a twitch in your eye from the pressure.
Know that you don’t need to carry the weight of the world by yourself. That you and your family are a team. You work together.
Know that you don’t have to do every task on your to-do list today.
One of the things I work on with my clients is making sure that what’s on your list belongs there. Today and long-term. You don’t have to say yes to everything.
The world will continue to tell you that your worth is wrapped up in your task list and how you serve your family.
I will continue to tell you that this isn’t true.
If you want to hear more about this topic, sign up for my private podcast or talk directly with me on a Get On Track call.
Do you ever redo a task? When I was in college, my roommate would re-clean the bathroom after I cleaned it. He didn’t think I did it right.
So I stopped. What was the point of me taking the time to do something that someone else was going to redo?
Have you ever done this?
Do you ever redo a task another person did because you didn’t think it was done well enough? Maybe it’s the dishwasher, maybe it’s folding laundry, maybe it’s something for work.
Be honest, no one is watching you read this.
And how often do you complain that others in your house don’t help? Do you spend your time with friends complaining about how you do it all around the house? How your partner just doesn’t see all that you do or even know that you do it?
You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and tired of it all?
I wonder if we bring some of the chaos on ourselves.
I wonder if we have such high expectations of ourselves and those around us that no one will ever live up to them.
Or society has conditioned women to believe that we’re the only ones capable of doing these tasks. And if they’re not done our way, then we’ve failed somehow.
What if, by redoing a task that someone else completed, we take away their power and motivation? Thereby starting a cycle where they stop doing it and we get mad because now they’re not doing it.
I have a friend who argued with his wife about their dishwasher. She was constantly reloading it after he loaded it. He told her he was going to stop loading it if she continued to redo it. What was the point of him doing it if it was just going to get redone?
What if our partners (and maybe even our kids) feel this way? They’re tired of having their work redone and wondering why they even bother if it’s not good enough.
I’ve talked about how men and women have the same level of messiness. Society conditioned women to care more, to get to it quicker. So we want tasks completed on our timeline. Not allowing others to have agency.
I wonder what would happen if we set the expectation of when something needs to be done and then let our partners do it in their own way. Didn’t remind them. Didn’t nag them. Let them do it on their own.
Remember that half the population wasn’t raised to see all the work it takes to run a household and raise kids.
It’s not that they’re ignoring it. They don’t know it exists. And, as women, when we take it all on, our partners still don’t see it because we’re doing it all.
These changes require patience and time. We’re not going to change these deep-seated tendencies overnight. But we can start.
Let’s start by making it more visible. Stop doing all the housework after everyone else is in bed. Stop redoing something someone else has already done. Even if you can fit more dishes in the dishwasher or think something should be folded differently, stop. Try celebrating that someone else did it and now you don’t have to. That’s one thing off your plate!
Think of what you can do when you’re not doing everything.
My kids don’t fold their clothes. The kids sort by item and shove the clothes in drawers. They know how to fold, but I’m not going to spend a bunch of time folding their clothes or nagging them to do it. We sort them, play a game of basketball as they toss their clothes into the drawers, and call it a day.
Give someone ownership over a task. They’re not helping you, you’re working together.
Start paying attention to everything that you’re taking on. It’s not going to change overnight, but let’s start with some awareness.
The Minimum Standard of Care (MSC) is helpful here.. This is a term from the Fair Play Method. It’s an agreed-upon standard of values describing how a task is done. Learn more about it on my private podcast.
Your future self will thank you.
Let me know the last time you redid the dishwasher! (I’ll keep it between us!)
We run our dishwasher a lot. There is often a clean load in the dishwasher, with even more dishes sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be dealt with. So many dishes!
At some point, I realized that I had it in my head that my husband expected me to deal with the dishes. Yes, we both work from home. But my schedule is more flexible. So, of course, why wouldn’t I be the one to deal with all the household tasks too?
Sound familiar? As moms, we take on all the household tasks because it feels easier that way. Without thinking about it.
In reality, it wasn’t that he expected me to do it. He wasn’t thinking about it at all. He was focused on work. And he would deal with the dishes later, after work, while he was making dinner.
I read an article in the Atlantic about how men and women are equally messy. But men don’t notice as much. Women feel a lot of pressure to keep their spaces clean, organized, and pretty. Ourselves too. Now, I will leave space in here on how we feel more in control of our lives when we’ve cleaned and purged our house. I too clean and organize when I’m stressed out.
But, women are conditioned from a young age that keeping the house and family organized is our responsibility. Our worth is wrapped up in it. Women operate on a different time scale than men. So it appears that we take it all on because men won’t. When men just haven’t been conditioned to deal with it as quickly as women.
And the pattern continues. Women take on the tasks because we think men aren’t going to do it, instead of letting them do it in their own way. Then the men just stop doing tasks around the house, because the women do it all anyway. And the exhausting cycle continues.
And our kids see this. They see mom doing all the household chores, organizing schedules, and planning everything. And they grow up thinking that’s how it’s done.
It’s time to change that narrative.
I realize that I’m asking women to take on one more thing here. I’m also asking women to get their partners in on this. To start having these conversations together. To start shifting the dynamics in your house to more equity. Where everyone in the household is involved, down to the youngest child.
When my kids complain about not wanting to do something around the house, I remind them that we all live here. We all contribute to the household and we all need to work together. And then we read a book titled The Great Zooberry Debacle: A Tale of Many Hands.
Start paying attention to when you take it all on. When you are the one worrying about everything and feeling like people are judging you if things aren’t perfect.
Your future self will thank you.
When you’re ready to stop feeling pulled in too many directions and add a sense of control and peace to your days, schedule a call with me, and let’s talk about my coaching programs.
Remind the kids to put those lunches in their backpacks, not the counter.
Get kids out the door to school.
Then start my work day.
And then remember we need to figure out what’s for dinner. Maybe buy groceries.
And add 3 more things to my task list for work.
Some days, it never ends!
It feels like the task list never gets shorter.
Some days the list truly gets longer!
At times it feels like we’re failing. Maybe you’ll try a new tool or hack and it’ll work for a while. But you eventually find yourself back where you were, overwhelmed and overcommitted. Feeling like it’s never enough.
Sometimes we wonder if we missed a class in school on how to do this thing called life.
I assure you that you did not miss a class. You are not failing. Our society has led women to believe that to have it all we have to do it all.
When dads don’t get paternity leave, moms simply get better at doing all the things. Not because they’re better at it by nature, but because they’re the ones doing it every day.
Over time, this leads moms to feel like we need to take on everything related to the house and kids, on top of running a business or growing our own careers. Because we’ve been led to believe that this is what good moms do and nothing will happen if we don’t take care of it.
But when both partners are involved with the household and raising of children, life is richer for everyone.
Getting everyone involved in a household doesn’t happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen by putting up a chore chart or reminders.
It takes time. Conversations. Family meetings. Work on everyone’s part.
But it can happen. This is the work I do with my clients. The work we talk about in my community.
Ever feel like you have a never-ending to-do list?
Years ago, my husband and I went hiking in Acadia, in northern Maine. As we were coming back down the trail, we kept thinking that the trail would end around the next bend. Around the next bend, we’ll be back at the car. This went on for some time. It seemed the trail was never going to end!
We still joke about it. It’s become a mantra in our lives whenever something seems to be taking longer than it should. It’ll end around the next bend.
Maybe this is how you feel about your to-do list. That you’ll get through it soon. It has to get shorter sometime, right? If you just keep chipping away at it. Skipping sleep. Not taking breaks.
Around the next bend.
Let’s be honest. In this case, it’s not going to end around the next bend. There will always be something on our to-do list. It might feel more manageable some days or weeks. But there will always be tasks.
I’m not telling you this to make you sad and feel defeated. I want you to make the realization that it’s ok to take a break from the list. To put something fun on it. Or even put it in a drawer for the afternoon and go do something for yourself.
Then, after that break, come back and let’s talk about how to handle the never-ending list. When you really feel like you don’t have the time to deal with what’s on it. Or to even make a dent in the list.
Where do you start?
Start with a brain dump. Take 10 minutes and write down everything that’s floating around in your head. All the ideas and tasks. Find the post-its and notes you’ve left everywhere. Get them all in one spot. Pull out tasks lost in your emails.
Once you have all the tasks in one place, it’s easier to see your priorities. It can’t all be a priority, so you’ll need some guidelines here. Ask yourself the following questions:
What are the quickest / closest deadlines?
What is making my business money?
What project do I need to get started on soon?
Are there tasks on here that I can delete or delegate?
What are the next steps?
Next, write out each step, as small as possible for all your projects. This helps you get moving on your projects because you know the next steps.
You can’t claim you don’t have the time, because you can make the time for small steps.
What are your goals and values?
Another place to start is understanding what’s important to you. When you know your goals for your business and your family, you can easily identify the tasks that get you there. Anything else can be deleted.
Say No
The next part is learning to say no. When you know what’s on your plate, you know if another project or client is the right fit.
Remember, future you is just as busy as today you. Only say yes to something in the future if you would say yes to it tomorrow.
Saying yes to a big project means saying no to something else.
Maybe a goal of yours is to spend more time with your family or on exercise or to create another part of your business. Saying yes to a new project or client might take away from that. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it.
That to-do list might never end, even around the next bend. But you can take back control and deal with it in a way that works for you. So the trail doesn’t feel so long. And you can enjoy the scenery along the way.
If you want more ideas on how to deal with that never-ending to-do list, sign up for my private podcast. You’ll get quick and easy tips in an easy-to-digest format!
Manis/Pedis. Massages. Bubbles baths. Chocolate (or your favorite junk food). This is what we talk about as self-care.
I don’t believe any of these things are really self-care. They’re what society has told us is self-care.
And we’re told that we should be taking care of ourselves. Not feeling guilty for taking that bubble bath or getting a massage.
And yes, we should be taking care of ourselves. And no, we should not be feeling guilty for filling our cups.
But we need to take some time to figure out what really feeds our souls. And, we should be taking the time to find activities that we truly enjoy. Not what we think we should be doing.
We need to be building lives that we don’t need to escape from.
This means that we don’t need a weekly massage so that we can have an hour of quiet time because we have time to ourselves and for ourselves built into the week (and we actually make that time happen).
That we’re not hiding in the pantry eating cookies straight from the package while hiding from our kids because we actually enjoy spending time with them. We fill their cups too and we have scheduled breaks from them to fill our cups.
Yes, I do enjoy my hot chocolate. I believe chocolate feeds my soul. I am also aware that it’s a quick fix. It’s not going to fix whatever it is that got me to this place of feeling drained.
Now, if you love your weekly massages, then have them. But don’t use them as your only form of self-care. Same for manis/pedis.
What do you do for self-care? Beyond bubble baths and massages? What really feeds your soul?
For me, going to bed early with a good book fills my cup. Sometimes it’s a long phone call with a friend.
Want to get started on creating a life you don’t need to escape from? Join my virtual community, Stride Together.
I’m standing in my kitchen. I need to empty my coffee maker. I’d like to clean it out too.
But I’m stuck. The compost bin is full and if I attempt to dump coffee grounds in it, the grounds will end up all over the counter.
I don’t want to take the time to empty the compost bin before I clean out the coffee maker. It’s a few steps, but it feels like too many right now. I have other things I need to get to.
So, I do what any sane person would do in this situation, I walk away to deal with it later.
While this is a simple (and maybe silly) problem, this feeling of being stuck, of wanting to deal with something but feeling overwhelmed by the steps, is common.
It might be wanting to hire a housecleaner or a nanny. Maybe it’s getting your kids to do more around the house. Or you want regular date nights with your partner but don’t have a reliable babysitter.
Whatever it is, take a few minutes to figure out the steps to get you there. Whether it’s researching babysitters or asking your neighbors for their housecleaner recommendations.
Whether it’s something where you need to do it yourself or you want to delegate it, getting started is tough.
But think about what that’s costing you in the long run. If you could hire a nanny or a house cleaner, what kind of time would that get you?
When we become mothers, we’re so focused on raising children, taking care of the house, working, etc. that we forget how to have fun.
Our society makes us think that leisure time or doing anything for fun, without a purpose, is lazy. That there must always be a purpose to something. And yes, we talk a lot about productivity and priorities here.
It’s also important to play. Taking a break, resting, and recharging helps our productivity. We might come up with a solution to a work problem while on a hike. Maybe the next great idea for your business comes while walking your dog or spending time with friends.
We often collapse on the couch to watch TV because we’re too exhausted to do anything else.But watching TV is not always restorative. We choose it because we’re not sure what else to do with our time. It’s an easy choice. Or we’re folding laundry, paying bills, or doing something else while we watch TV.
And we don’t need one more thing to do. It’s easier to keep plugging away at our to-do list. We’ll do something fun when our kids are older or the to-do list is done.
Studies have shown that kids who have more unstructured free time to play are more socially and academically proficient in life. Kids need to have unstructured free time. This is where they learn social skills, their limits, etc.
But play shouldn’t be only for kids. Adults need it too. And it needs to be something we do for the fun of it.
Escape Adulthood is one of my favorite places to remind me to add a little play to my life. They remind me to stop being so focused on my to-do list and be more present. To find ways to add fun and whimsy to my days. And that it doesn’t need to be a big event for it to be fun.
Play could be learning a new instrument, taking voice lessons, learning how to sew, volunteering, taking a class on any topic that interests you, or hiking. The point is to do it for the fun of it. Not because you need to do it for work or you want to lose ten pounds.
I want to add more play to my life. Find new hobbies, and learn new skills. And learn to be more present. I’d like to buy a piano soon and start taking lessons again. I’d like to snowshoe and cross-country ski. If you want some virtual yoga or meditation in your life, check out Cindy Glennon Wellness.
What about you? What do you do for fun these days?
What you do for fun? If you’re unsure how to make this happen, schedule some time to chat so we can help you find time to play!
I recently talked about maternal gatekeeping. How, as women, we’re conditioned to believe we’re better at parenting and housekeeping than our partners. How we are the ones who need to control everything, to ensure it’s done right (or done at all). And how we need to stop letting society create these ridiculous standards.
This conditioning comes from what’s known as the Ideal Mother. This is the idea that a mother knows best. We’re led to believe this from a young age.
Society conditions men to believe they are the ideal worker and the breadwinner. Jobs are designed around the ideal worker. The person who is always available for their work. They don’t have a life outside of work. It’s expected that there’s someone else (usually a wife), at home making sure the kids are taken care of, the house is cleaned, and dinner is on the table.
So what happens when the wife works too? Life gets complicated. Women are expected to work like they don’t have a family to take care of and care for their family like they don’t have a job.
But this isn’t possible and it isn’t fair. And it’s time to break this expectation.
And it starts with a conversation.
Yes, this might feel like one more thing you have to do. And it is. But it’s also the only way we’re going to change things. We need to get our partners on board here. And not in a guilt and shame-filled way. But in a way that leads us to be true partners, sharing childcare and household tasks in a way that’s fair to everyone. (that is different from sharing things 50/50).
One of the first things to discuss is an acceptable level of cleanliness which Eve Rodksy, in her book Fair Play, labels Minimum Standard of Care. These are the agreed-upon expectations of everything in a house. Who cleans out the cat litter and when does it happen? What about the trash? What about family activities, like soccer, piano lessons, church choir, etc.? How many activities does each family member take on each season? How often do you have family dinners?
When my kids started elementary school, I decided we were only attending birthday parties with my kids’ friends. Not every birthday party. We were not going to sign up for every activity possible. Each person gets one, maybe two activities per semester.
Remember, you do not need to spend every day after school driving your kids around to activities. Pick one of their favorites. Carpool. Schedule things so it all happens on one crazy day, where you have take-out for dinner. Or where you can trade off with your partner on who does the driving. Meet a friend for a walk around the park while your kids are at soccer practice. Or spend one-on-one time with one kid while the other(s) are at practice.
Don’t feel obligated to say yes to everything.
There is no need to wear yourself out. It is ok for kids to be kids. To learn how to entertain themselves. Let them figure it out.
If you want to talk more about how to incorporate this in your life, and how to let go of all of the tasks, schedule some time with me! Or, sign up for my private podcast for more ideas!
What is maternal gatekeeping and how does it impact you?
How often do you find yourself muttering…it’s just easier if I do it? Then spending the rest of the evening resentful that you did something that you feel you shouldn’t always have to do?
What if, instead, there was a conversation about the task and the opportunity for someone else to do it? Maybe it wouldn’t always be on you. If expectations were set about when and how a task was done (and who was going to complete it), it would happen without you constantly asking.
It is possible.
Women are conditioned that we’re the more capable parent. So we take over every aspect of raising kids and taking care of our house.
This is known as maternal gatekeeping. It impacts relationships with our partners and our kids. It can be unconscious and unintentional. But it’s detrimental. (It can also happen in families where the parents are not together.)
Our society has told us that if a child isn’t thriving, it’s mom’s fault. If the kids aren’t wearing matching clothes or spending all their waking moments at some enrichment program, that they’re never going to get into a good college and will fail at life.
None of this is true. And we need to stop buying into it.
My kids have dressed themselves from a young age. They often don’t match. Their clothes are inside out or backward (sometimes both). For me, it’s more important they get themselves dressed and have agency over their own lives. It doesn’t even matter if they’re wearing weather-appropriate clothes. I just want them dressed.
And, there are costs to taking on all the emotional and mental labor of a household.
We’re tired, exhausted, drained, cranky, sleep-deprived. We are not taking care of ourselves so there’s little left to give to others. And we don’t see a way out.
We still see dads as clueless, almost like another child we have to take care of. But dads are fit to parent. And we need to let them. It might look different than your way, but that’s a good thing.
So what can we do about it?
First, we can be aware of when we’re doing it. Are you redoing the dishwasher after someone else has loaded it? Do you passive-aggressively complain about how your husband never empties the trash? Are you grumbling about how you always plan family vacations and never enjoy them because it feels like it’s just as much work as being home? (That last one is me!)
Then have a conversation with your partner about it. Without blaming or shaming your partner, talk about how you want things to be fairer around the house. Find a couples counselor who can work with you through this. Schedule time with me to talk about it. Read the book by Eve Rodsky called Fair Play.
Talk about what really matters in your life. What is essential for everyone’s happiness?
Are you busy or productive? There is a difference!
What do clarity and productivity have to do with each other?
Are you clear on your life goals and values? Do the tasks on your to-do list support these goals? Or are you just doing things without really thinking about them?
It’s ok if you haven’t thought about it much. But let’s take a few minutes to do just that. If you’re only doing things on your list because they are there, without thinking about how the tasks fit in the larger plans of your life, then you are simply busy. Not productive.
And that’s no way to live.
Taking time to think about where you want to be in several years, or even six months ensures that what’s on your to-do list supports these plans.
It motivates you when you don’t want to do something on your list. It helps you clarify the next step.
Let’s Clarify
If you want to play tag with your kids or hike all summer, then taking a walk or exercising in the depths of winter is on your list. You might not want to do it today, but you know your future self will thank you.
If you are looking for a promotion at work or to grow your client base, then make sure the small steps you take today support that goal. It might mean a conversation with your supervisor or a business coach to understand those steps. It might mean stepping out of your comfort zone. Again, that clarity guides you.
That clarity guides you when you lack the motivation to do anything. Maybe you’re tired. The weather is crummy and you want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe the weather is nice and you want to go play outside.
When you’ve done the work to clarify your values and where you are headed, you have clarity around today’s tasks. You know what needs to be done and you can take those next steps.
And when those tasks are small, you almost have no excuse to not tackle them!
If you want more information on how to start this work, sign up for a free coaching call! Or, sign up for my private podcast for more ideas!
